You Make Complicated Things Too Simple
by SweetPieceOfWork
Summary: Harm/Mac for mature audiences only. If you are not a fan of angst, this story probably isn't for you. Rated M in future chapters.
1. Prologue

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Author: Ashlee**

A/N: Not mine. If they were, I would have changed most of the final season. This story is posted over at my fan site: Allthingscatherine but I thought I would post it here so that more will be able to read it. Thanks for the feedback.

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"Why do you think you came here?" Dr. Liam asked over the top of her dark-rimmed glasses.

The room was filled with a lingering silence save for the sound of the clock on the wall. It ticked endlessly on, counting away at the sixty-minutes the session allotted and racking up the dollars that time like this would cost.

It had all started several weeks ago, the therapy that is. 'Just one time.' Mac had comforted herself with the thought. She had just needed answers. Answers to questions she didn't trust herself to ask.

Therapy with Dr. Adrianna Liam that first day had been ….for lack of a better word, therapeutic. She had left the office with a promise that she would attempt to find her way back there in the coming week. 'one more time.' She had told herself, and the phrase had become her mantra. In total, she had been to eight sessions so far. Despite her reservations about therapy and psychologists in general, Commander McCool had been quite helpful in the past and so she had decided to follow her instincts and swallow her pride.

Dr. Liam was a woman in her early forties. She was confident and well put together. She kept her long brown hair tied back into a classy bun at the base of her neck, and always crossed her legs, jotting her thoughts on a legal pad that rested in her lap at several points throughout their meetings. It was rather unnerving.

"Colonel?"

Mac sighed, as she fidgeted with the hands resting in her lap.

"I ....I guess I felt I had to."

"And, why is that?"

"Because.."

"Mac, I can't help you if you don't start opening up to me...why did you leave your life, your friends, and your job to come here?"

There was a moment in which everything changed and Mac's countenance shifted. Dr. Liam watched as the woman's face before her fell, her eyes revealing a pain the Doctor suspected they had only begun to scratch the surface of.

Mac looked to the side, trying to keep her emotions at bay.

"He..." her voice cracked.

"Is with someone else."

"Does he know how you feel about him?"

Mac tried her best to swallow back the emotion...

"No." She managed. " Yes. I don't know. It wouldn't have changed anything."

Silence once again permeated the space. This time, though, Mac could hear the Doctor scribbling something on her legal pad. 'Damn her.' Mac thought, all of a sudden furious that she was here of her own volition.

"I need to get back to work." Mac explained, with a glance at the clock. "I should be going."

Dr. Liam nodded, albeit reluctantly. "See you next week?"

"Next week it is. Thank you." Mac stood and straightened her clothes, crossing the room to the door, walking down the hall and down the stairs to the buildings double glass doors.

Mac stood outside, the sun beating down upon her with an intensity she had come to love. She inhaled and then exhaled deeply. She had to get better...She needed to be happy. And as she looked up at the high-rise building she had just escaped from, she repeated the mantra that helped her through. '_One more time.'_

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	2. Part 1

A/N: In this story, FWFS never happened (yeah, I know lol. Sorry.)

Five months ago, Mac still lived in D.C.

Five months ago, she thought she knew where her life was headed. But, a lot had changed in that time.

She had a life here. She was in a command position at the office, got along well with her co-workers, and had even had the chance to make some friends. She never really had female friends before, save for Harriet, and Mac liked the fact that she now had the opportunity to have that support system. They had even convinced her to get out of the apartment and go out to a bar or club now and again, which was a feat all its own.

This afternoon, however, all she wanted to do was get home to the solace of her empty apartment. After today's therapy session, Mac didn't feel much like company.

The door to her SUV shut with a bang. Mac hit the automatic lock button on her car remote, and waited for the familiar sound letting her know that they were secured. She crossed the lot to her building, and up the stairs to her second floor one-bedroom apartment. A twist of her key in the lock, and she was home. She deposited her briefcase and bag on the table in the hall, and slipped off her heels.

One of the things she loved most about this apartment was the view. The balcony at the back of her place overlooked the beach, and Mac often found herself there staring out at the ocean. Today was such a day. She loved to watch the sunrise and the sunset. She loved the way the wind caressed her face, hair blowing in the breeze, free from the constraints of the bun required for work. Time seemed to stand still when she was out there, giving her some sort of peace. She did have one thing there that she could have done without though; too much time to think. She was not supposed to think about him. _Not here._

The shrill ring of the phone inside shakes Mac out of her reverie. She takes one last longing glance out at the horizon, before going back inside to the bag now vibrating and ringing from its perch on the hallway table. She curses herself for the way her heart is beating. It would not be him. She supposes she knew that when she had changed her number without telling him, but that doesn't stop her heart from plummeting every time she realizes it is not his voice on the other end.

She finally locates and gets the phone out, staring at the caller ID. "Harriet."

She isn't surprised. Harriet is probably the only person from Washington that she still communicates with. Harriet was a great friend to her, and Mac was thankful to still be involved in her life. She would call her back later though, because as much as she loved hearing all about what was going on in Washington, it pained her to constantly be reminded of a life she was trying to leave behind. She doesn't want to have to hear about him, although Mac can tell Harriet tries her best to keep his name out of their conversations. When his name does slip from her lips, she immediately changes the subject and Mac hates that Harriet has to censor herself. She just isn't ready to face it yet.

It was harder than she had imagined, extricating herself from his life. There were so many things throughout the course of a day that Mac would want to share with him. Something funny would happen at the office, a comment would be made that took her back to a memory they both shared, and she felt herself physically aching with the need to reach for the phone. In the end, she knew it was useless. She had flown thousands of miles away to escape the one person she would always carry with her.

TBC


	3. Part 2

Mac muted her television and snuggled further into her over-sized hooded sweatshirt. Lately, the thoughts within her head had become so loud; she didn't have much room for anything else. The traffic on the street below could be faintly heard from her position on the couch, and a car alarm sounded off somewhere in the distance.

Mac sighed deeply. _Five months_. It felt like longer. Several months ago, she had allowed herself the hope that "they" would happen. They were flirting more, seeing each other outside of work more. Sometimes, she caught him staring at her in a way that made her knees want to give out under the weight of it. Suddenly, he was cooking her dinner on Friday nights at her place. After, they would watch a movie or enjoy a cup of coffee and just talk. He hadn't been seeing anyone…neither had she. For the first time in all the years they had been drawn to one another, they actually had the opportunity to explore it.

This went on for a while, until one seemingly typical day at JAG. Typical, that is, until Harm had approached her and asked if he could take her to dinner. It wasn't so much what he asked, but how he had asked it. He had shifted his gaze and tripped over his words more than usual, and she could sense that he was nervous. Her face had flushed, and she met his gaze with an intensity that seemed to ask the questions: 'Are you ready…and are you sure?' This was big, and they both understood…it wouldn't be just dinner with them.

The look in his eyes seemed to reassure her. He wanted this…was ready to see where it took them. She had answered him with one simple word, "Yes."

That Friday, instead of dining in casually as had been their routine, Mac had dressed to the nines. She had worn a classy knee length black dress that hugged her in all the right places, and black stilettos that hurt her feet a bit too much. When he had come to the door, it had been a full thirty-five seconds before he could cultivate a sentence.

The night was destined to be special, and it was. Everything Mac had allowed herself to dream up in the years that they had been dancing around…whatever it was they had and were, that night exceeded all of them. She never knew it could be as good…feel as good, but it did. When he had extended her his arm to help her out of the car, when he had rested his hand on the small of her back to lead her to their table. The way he had been so attentive to everything she said, so captivated.

Even now, as Mac sat alone in her apartment, knowing what she knew, she was thankful for the memory of that night. Nothing had ever felt so real to her, and she wasn't letting it go that easily.

That night was about enjoying one another, and the small things are what had gotten to her. Upon leaving the restaurant, the sun had gone down and as they walked along the downtown streets, he had taken her hand. Nothing had happened beyond that. He dropped her off at her door, and although the look he gave her made her want to haul her body against his, she had simply smiled at him as she watched him walk away.

Although Friday night had been filled with so much promise, by the following week everything had changed.

Harm had discovered that he was going to be a father.


	4. Part 3

Harm had told her the news over dinner at his place. They had met to go over a case that they had both been assigned to work on. They hadn't yet talked since the Friday night that they spent together, and Mac had been anxious to see him. He had acted off over dinner, quiet. It wasn't until they were seated in the living room discussing the case when she discovered why. She knew it had to have been something big, as he had leaned forward on his knees and his breathing had become shaky at best. "Mac," he had started unevenly, "I have something I need to tell you."

The words that followed made her feel as though she had been knocked over. She hadn't known how to react…she hadn't known what to say. Her heart had felt as if it was slamming against her chest. She had closed her eyes briefly and swallowed hard before saying the only thing that came to mind that made any kind of sense: "Congratulations."

"It…it wasn't something I planned on happening, Mac." He had told her, his tone ragged and emotional.

She didn't know why she had asked. She had no right, no claim to him. Even so, the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Who?" Her expression had been pained, her brows furrowed together.

"A friend of mine, we worked together on a mission back when I worked at the CIA… she had just gotten out of this bad relationship…we were at a bar, had one too many drinks…"

"I see." Mac's voice had been strained, weak.

There had been a long pause, as neither party had really known what to say or how to say it. A silence had fallen over them, and for several moments the only sounds in the room were of their breathing. Finally, the silence was broken and Mac's eyes found his across the room.

"You will be a wonderful father, Harm." Mac had muttered softly.

Harm's voice had been desperate. "Mac..."The look he had given her said it all. "This isn't what I wanted."

"I know, Harm." Mac had nodded slowly, meeting his gaze. "I know."

Mac knew he felt helpless, but she also knew that he had always wanted a child…and now he was bringing one into the world. Regardless of the circumstances, she knew how much it meant to him to be a Father. He had to give his attention to this woman…she knew he would never forgive himself if he wasn't there for both her and the baby. She told him so. He had listened, and although it had not been something he had wanted to hear, he knew it to be true.

That night, Mac had been quick to excuse herself. She had feigned a headache and told him she had to go. Truth is, she had needed time to process and she couldn't do it there when she constantly felt his eyes on her. Then tension between them was palpable…both teetering and vulnerable under the weight of the news.

She had been slipping on her jacket by the door when she felt his hands on her, helping her into the sleeves, and easing it over her shoulders. She had been hyper aware of his body and its proximity to hers, and when she had turned to face him, there he was—primal, and solid, and Harm. His eyes had bored into hers and his lips had been so close that she couldn't catch her breath.

Her body had ached to feel his against it. But, that night was not the night to give in to the desire that had existed between them for the better part of a decade. She wanted him. Then again, she had _always_ wanted him. Before she could process what she was doing, She had brought her hand up against his chest, and stood on her toes to kiss him tenderly on the cheek.

"Goodnight." She had managed, as she turned and opened the door, casting one more glance at him standing there as she shut it behind her.

Mac shivered at the memory, despite the fact that the weather was quite warm. She watched as the muted picture of the television flashed, displaying some infomercial for a rotisserie, and buried her head in her sleeve-covered hands. It was painful to remember those few months that followed, but that night had served as the catalyst for the events that had led her to this point. After leaving his apartment, she had drove back to her place. She was so numb that she didn't really remember much about the drive. She had become aware of her surroundings only when she had parked in the lot in front of her building, and only then did she allow herself to break.

After that night, it was not discussed again. A few days at JAG had passed without much incident. When they did talk it was about a case or other work-related subject. Mac had been asking Harm about a case file in his office when someone had tapped on the frame to his door. Mac had turned to see a woman she had to assume was …well, her. She had dirty blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, and Mac had to admit—she wasn't altogether unattractive. Harm's voice had been filled with a slight panic. "Kim."

"Kim" had dropped by in the hopes that she could take him out to lunch. It was obvious that she had been very uncomfortable. Mac had introduced herself, feeling that if she didn't get out of there soon she would suffocate. Seeing her made it real…you could already see the slight bump forming under her clothes. Despite her attempts, all that kept going through her head was that Harm had helped create that. "It's nice to meet you." Mac had lied, glanced back at Harm to tell him that she'd come back later for the file, and exited the room.

Kim's visit to JAG that day had been the first of many. As time had passed, It had become increasingly difficult for Mac to go to work each day. Despite the fact that it was hard to see Harm…her Harm with another woman, it was pure pain to see him with a woman that was carrying his baby—especially when Mac had always dreamed that she would. When Mac allowed herself to go there, her thoughts would turn on her. Perhaps it was irrational, but Mac didn't exactly disagree with them. They would point out that she only had a four percent chance of conceiving. They would tell her that it could never be her anyhow, and maybe this woman was what Harm needed. Mac was nothing if not self-deprecating.

Harm had attempted to talk to Mac at various times throughout the month, however she never answered his calls and always had reasons to avoid going to lunch with him. He blamed himself for this turn in direction where they were concerned; after all, it was his fault. She was pushing him away, and she was scared. He was scared too.

Thinking that it just might be his only option, Harm had resorted to visiting her when he knew she would be home. Mac had been just about to fall asleep when the sounds of someone banging on her door had her reaching for her gun. Then she had heard his voice. Harm. She had crossed the space to the door and looked out the peephole. He looked terrible.

She unlocked and opened the door.

"Harm? What the hell?"

"Mac," He breathed a sigh of relief. "I need to talk to you."

She had simply opened the door wider and allowed him in.

"Harm…are you ok?" She had crossed her arms over her chest defensively, "You look awful." Her worried gaze traveled over his body, before settling on his face.

"Thanks, Mac." He had smiled, attempting to be funny.

She had glared at him. She was not amused.

"Mac…talk to me."

Mac ran a hand through her hair. "What do you want me to say?"

"Anything…tell me what you are feeling…"

"I'm feeling a lot of things, Harm" Mac shrugged her shoulders, hugging her arms to her body.

"Such as? " he pleaded to her with his gaze.

"Harm, I can't do this with you." she breathed, looking up at him with expressive brown eyes.

"Please…" Harm had then walked over to where she stood, placing his hands on her arms and lowering his forehead to rest gently upon hers.

"This doesn't have to change us." He had whispered to her.

She had closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip. "but…what if I feel like it already has?"

TBC..please give me feedback.


	5. Part 4

Harm hadn't responded to the question immediately. It was as if he had needed time to come up with an answer she would be satisfied with. He knew that the next few moments with her would be crucial and it would be the words spoken between them in that time that would make or break them.

"Mac, I can't pretend to know what you are feeling…or what is going through your mind, but I can tell you what I have been feeling." Harm had practically whispered down at her.

Mac had expelled a shaky breath in reply, her eyes still closed.

Harm continued. "I am terrified."

"Harm, you will be –"

"Not of that. " Harm interjected, " Of what it could do to us..."

Mac bit her lip again.

"Harm…" she had breathed. His proximity to her was affecting her ability to argue with him effectively.

"As much as I want to be happy at the thought of fathering a child…I can't be, Mac. I am not happy, and that is something I am struggling with everyday. It seems wrong that I should feel this way" Harm's voice had cracked, "but I don't know what to do to fix it."

He had sounded anguished, tortured.

Mac's head had lowered with his words.

"This is what I was afraid of, Harm. …You …just…_you can't_. I want you to be happy. This should make you happy." She had stumbled over the words, shaking her head against his slightly.

"Mac…" He had gripped her arms a bit tighter. "How can I be thrilled when all I can see is you slipping away?"

_"I want to be with you."_ He had breathed.

She had looked up at him, her gaze vulnerable and needy as her eyes met his with a burning intensity. She reached a hand up around his neck, and lifted her face, putting her lips on his.

Harm had been quick to respond, bruising his lips against hers as all emotion and tension that existed between them was poured into the kiss.

The kiss had been intense, and emotional…and had ended all too soon. The moment had been interrupted with the ring of a phone. Harm's phone.

TBC…


	6. Part 5

Mac had been the first to pull away, bringing up a hand to her lips.

Only when she had dropped eye contact with him, did she find her voice. "You better get that."

Mac had been aware of the time. She knew it was late, much too late for a casual phone call. _Kim_. It would have to be.

Harm had answered, his brows furrowing in concern not a minute later.

"I'm on my way."

The phone had closed with a click, and Harm had glanced over at Mac.

"Mac…I am sorry, I know the timing is terrible, but Kim has been taken to the hospital. I have to go."

Mac had nodded, "Go…"

The reminder of Kim's presence in Harm's life and the reason for it was something that had not been necessary. But, when the phone call had come, interrupting the one moment in which Mac had thrown all caution to the wind, it was as if she had been smacked in the face with the reality of it. Harm was having a baby. Harm created a child with this woman. Harm didn't want this. Harm wasn't happy. Her fault…all her fault.

Her head was spinning in the aftermath.

"I'll…call you later?" Harm had asked hopefully when he had reached the door.

Mac had nodded, a hand resting at her throat.

After the door had shut behind him, Mac crossed the room to lock it once more.

She had made some choices that night, as she had slid down the door. She couldn't be his reason. Mac could not keep him from focusing on the baby. Kim needed him. Mac hadn't been sure, but she got the impression that Harm was all Kim had to help her through this time.

All that aside, Mac had had some things of her own to work through. She had been having bouts of insomnia, and couldn't seem to muster up much of an appetite. She was constantly plagued with thoughts of self-doubt. Kim was already doing something for Harm that Mac didn't believe she would ever be able to do. _I've never created anything._ The words she had once said aloud to Cmdr. McCool replayed in her head, causing her pain.

Perhaps it had not been the correct way to handle it, but Mac was not above being wrong if it meant she could breathe again.

The need in her to go had been becoming stronger than the need in her to stay.

She had been toying with the idea of leaving. Trying it on for size in her mind to see if, even there, it would fit. She had wondered what Cresswell would say…she wondered what the Admiral would have said.

As it turned out, it was General Cresswell who had approached her that next morning. A position had become available in San Diego. He had felt like she would be a good fit, yet it was her decision. He had told her to let him know by the end of the week, but it had only taken her a few hours for her to make up her mind.

Harm had not yet been back at the office. Rumor had it he had taken a personal day. His name had been passed around JAG a lot during that time. Rumors about him…her. The baby. Everywhere Mac had turned, someone would have something to say about it. They had been calling Kim his girlfriend, and although Mac had known it was not true, it hadn't stopped her from taking a few more extra breaths than her normal pattern would allow.

Mac hadn't known what to say when they had tried to bring her into their conversations, asking her if she had heard the news. She had shrugged, diverted, and made it clear to them that it was none of her business—or theirs.

She had caught Cresswell right after her lunch break. She hadn't known why she had done it, but she had tried to reach Harm on his cell while at lunch. She had wanted to tell him…had wanted to know what he would say, had wanted to explain. For whatever reason, he had not answered.

She told Cresswell that she would do it. She had talked with him about it being a temporary placement. In the end, they had agreed that she would fill-in for now. However, she had been given the option to make it permanent should she so choose.

The following few days had been a whirlwind of sorts. She had decided to sublet her place should she decide that moving away had all been some crazy mistake. She had found a woman online, much like herself, in desperate need of a place due to a recent job transfer, so arrangements had been made for her to move in.

Everything was falling into place, and yet nothing was all at once.

She had packed up her life in boxes; they had been mailed to her new place in San Diego. All that had been left to go was her.

She had arrived at the airport early in order to get through security and get to her terminal on time, and had been left with a few moments to spare before boarding. Mac had sat down and stared out the window for a bit, her mind warring with her heart. The winner had been declared when Mac realized she was reaching into the front pocket of her carry-on and pulling her cell phone out.

She had clutched the phone with an uncertainty that surprised her. She hit the speed dial number and bit her bottom lip as she had waited.

She had been scared that he would ask her to stay, petrified that he wouldn't.

The ringing had continued, and Mac had gratefully prepared to leave a cryptic voicemail.

"Hello?" He had answered, somewhat distractedly.

_Damn._ Mac had thought to herself, as she cleared her throat. _That cryptic voicemail was shot to hell._

TBC - Update coming soon…please review 


	7. Part 6

A/N: Thank you achaon and Kelsey2010 for your reviews. I decided to go ahead and post an update for ya 

Please let me know what you think. Picking out parts you liked or didn't like is especially helpful and loved. Thanks !

On to the story

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"H..Harm,..Hi." Mac had attempted to speak. _Way to play it cool, Marine._

There had been a pause.

"Mac, is everything okay?" Harm had asked, his tone showing concern.

"Yeah, " Mac had cleared her throat once more, "Yeah, Everything is fine."

"How are things with Kim…and the baby? I hadn't heard back from you after you told me she was in the hospital." Mac had strained, making this kind of small talk had not been the reason for this call.

"She and the baby are fine. The Doctor told her she was doing too much, recommended she stop working, and take it easy at home." Harm had told her, almost mechanically.

"That's nice." Mac had bit her lip and twisted in her seat to look out the window once more, watching a plane take off.

She could hear him breathing. It had soothed her somehow.

"Mac, I…Could we maybe meet for dinner tonight?"

Mac had closed her eyes and taken a deep breath. _Now or never.  
_  
"Harm, I have to tell you something." She had clutched the phone a little tighter. "Something I am not sure is going to go over so well, but please…just hear me out. This is really…" She had stumbled, " difficult for me to share with you."

"AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 11709 TO SAN DIEGO IS NOW BOARDING" The voice came over the PA.

"Mac, where are you? You are breaking up."

"I have to go, Harm."

"Mac?"

"I'm…at an airport." Mac had breathed as she gathered up her belongings.

"I've…got to go, Harm. My flight is boarding…I…" Her voice had shook. "_I'm sorry._"

She had shut the phone and grabbed her bag, walking toward the terminal with more confidence than she felt.


	8. Part 7

The flight had been complete and utter torture. She had been set beside a rather large disgusting man who insisted on talking to her and attempting to flirt with her.

All Mac had wanted to do was close her eyes and pretend to sleep.

She had sworn if he told her one more joke HE thought was funny about the military, he'd regret it.

She had wondered about Harm. What was he doing? Did he have the General on the phone already? Did he simply believe her to be on assignment? Had he been with Kim when she had called?

Mac was so lost in the memories, it took her a minute to realize that her apartment had become quite chilly, and she crossed the room to close the window. She stared down at the street below, and allowed her mind to wander. _Had it really been months since that day? Months since she had heard his voice, or seen his face?_

_No_, Mac had decided. She had heard his voice and seen his face many times since…in her head, in her sleep. There was no escaping one Harmon Rabb, Jr, and Mac didn't know whether to smile or cry at the thought.

Mostly, and though it did no good to think this way, Mac wondered if Kim knew about her.

Had she known that she was his best friend? Had she known that their connection was so deep that it defied any word or label one could try to assign it?

Mac tortured herself with the scenarios. Where was he now? Was Kim living with him? Were they having a boy or a girl? She might have asked Harriet, if she could trust herself to speak his name out loud.

Mac's phone rang for the second time that evening, and Mac cursed herself once more for the irregularity of her heartbeat. It was Sylvia, a friend from the office. A lovely woman that Mac barely outranked, but nonetheless would never let Sylvia live it down as they often teased each other about it.

Sylvia had become a dear friend, and although Mac confided little, she still felt comfortable to do so with her…which was a big step in its own right.

"Hello?" Mac had answered.

"Hi, Co—Mac." Sylvia corrected herself. Mac had told her time and time again that ranks did not exist outside of the workplace, and prefer she call her by her name.

"Hey…what's up?" Mac glanced at her watch, it was nearly eleven.

Mac heard laughing in the background.

"Mac, come on. Reconsider. It's the weekend, surely you can spare a few hours for your friends?" Sylvia half-teased her.

"I don't—"

"Give me the phone." Mac had heard in the background.

"Mac, it's Jess." Jess had a thick British accent that Mac found adorable. "I am not in the military, so I don't have to placate you." She had laughed. "Now, get your arse down here."

"I don't know." Mac laughed. Wait. Down here? Oh no. Mac crossed the room to look out the window overlooking the lot. Sure enough, there they were. Sylvia, Rachel, and Jess. _Oh My._

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The club was loud and filled with people. The music pulsed, and the bass droned to the beat of whatever "House" music the DJ had decided to play. Mac sought solace from the poorly lit booth in the far corner, watching the crowd around her move as she sat still. She had a terrible headache. She was careful to take note of the nearest exits…and was prepared to dart out of one of them at any second. Why had she come here? She longed for the comfort of her over sized hoodie and her silk pajama pants, instead of the incredibly restricting black number they had pulled from her closet and insisted that she wear. A guy had already sent over a drink for her, so the night was complete. She had sent it back of course. But, that didn't stop the scumbag from continuing to stare. She had taken to fiddling with the beading on her clutch, her eyes downcast and tired.

Sylvia returned to the corner booth, Mac's soda with a twist in one hand, her cosmo in the other. Sylvia scooted in across from Mac, pushing the drink over to her. "I'm sorry." She half-smiled. "I know how much you hate it here."

Mac half-smiled despite herself. "Almost as much as you hate to golf." She took a long sip, before hugging her arms tightly to her chest.

Sylvia laughed. "You walk around a course hitting a ball and getting frustrated. Thanks but no thanks, I can find a better use of my Saturday."

Mac shook her head, laughing genuinely for the first time in weeks. "Oh you."  
Sylvia had had a recent golf outing with Mac that hadn't been entirely successful. Sylvia had no patience for golf, and they spent more time laughing than playing.

"Look at her." Sylvia said incredulously.

Mac's gaze shifted to Jess on the dance floor with yet another man. Jess always had a way of becoming the center of attention.

"The woman has no shame."

Mac smiled as Jess started to dance with two guys at once, "and she'll be the first to tell you that."

"Where did Rachel run off to?" Sylvia asked while nursing her drink.

"Outside to use the phone."

A silence settled over them as they watched the dancers. Mac soon felt Sylvia's eyes on her.

The seconds ticked on, and her gaze made Mac anxious. Ok, ENOUGH.

"Ok, what is it?" Mac turned to face Sylvia once more. "You're freaking me out." She smiled, attempting to break up and divert from the serious discussion that was no doubt to follow.

"I'm worried about you, you—"

"I am fine, Sylvia…you worry too much." Mac gave her a reassuring smile, "You should go dance."

"Mac, what is your big plan here? Sylvia ignored her. "Honestly…can we talk? Really truly talk."

"Sylvia—"

"You plan on never dating or trying to be happy…enjoy your life?"

Mac looked away, her legs crossed under the table. "Sylvia…you…you know—" Mac started, a sad lilt to her voice.

"You are in love with him…I know you are. But, you are here…he is there. It's been several months. You have cut off communication...what exactly are you expecting to happen here?"

There was a long pause as Mac swallowed hard.

"Sylvia, you don't…you don't understand, ok ..you just don't." Mac expelled a weary breath, attempting to choke back the emotions coming quickly to the surface.

Sylvia reaches for Mac's hand now resting on the table and gives it a squeeze. "I care about you Mac…I don't mean to upset you, I just want to see you happy."

Mac nods silently, pulling her hand away and dabbing at her eyes as Rachel approaches the table.

"What did I miss?" Rachel laughs as she scoots in beside Sylvia.

"It was John." She says, putting her phone on the table. "Can you believe him? He broke up with me! Why is he still calling?" She grabs Sylvia's drink and takes a sip.

"Hey!" Sylvia cried, trying to snatch her drink back.

"So," Rachel started, a twinkle in her eye. "Have we got our eye on any particular men miss Mackenzie?" she teases.

Sylvia shoots Mac an apologetic look.

kill me now... "No…" Mac said quietly. "No. I don't." Her eyes focused on her clutch once more.

"What about that guy? " Rachel points to a guy standing over by the bar.

Sylvia kicks Rachel under the table. Hard.

Mac looks away, ignoring Rachel's howl of pain and silently wishing she could teleport her body back to the comfort of her living room.

Her friends meant well, they truly did. But, they didn't get it. How could they? Mac barely understood it herself. "Complicated" had always been a word that described their relationship. Complicated. Unconditional. Passionate. All encompassing, deep and always….always…._always._ They couldn't lay whatever it was that existed between them down when they wanted, it couldn't be put away in a drawer. Time was supposed to change things, but not _this_.

_It couldn't change this._

"Oh Man, the club is alive tonight." Jess laughed as she plopped down at the booth. "I'm exhausted."

"I wonder why." Sylvia quipped.

"Shutup, you prude." Jess teased, winking at her.

"Whore." Sylvia chuckled as she took another sip of her drink.

"Ladies…" Mac pretended to be admonish them, yet her smile gave her away.

"You ready to get out of here? John said he may call later." Rachel tried not to beam.

"Let's leave." Mac was already getting up and straightening her dress, and Rachel sent Sylvia a knowing look. Sylvia just shook her head and Mac pretended not to notice.

The car ride consisted of Jess singing loudly and off key to the radio, as Mac stared quietly out the back window. She wanted to be free of their knowing glances, their watchful eyes, and patent stares. She did not need their pity. She was **fine.** Fine. Absolutely.

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Mac was exhausted – physically and emotionally, as she unlocked the door to her apartment. She walked stiffly in somewhat of a zombie like state, dropping her clutch in the hall and walking to her bedroom. She got onto the bed, her dress making a swishing sound as it crumpled under and around her, and curled into a ball.

She wondered, much like every night, what he was doing. Who he was with. She wanted to know...Did he think about her? Did he talk about her?

She lay there for several moments, her face buried in her arms on her side. Some time later, after her thoughts had slowed and given her reprieve, sleep was able to claim her.  
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	9. Part 8

A/N: Thanks for the comments! They get me in the mood to write and post so keep them coming ;)

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Harriet and Bud Residence

Virginia

Harriet bustled around the kitchen, hurriedly taking care of last minute preparations before the guests arrived.

She and Bud had invited their friends and co-workers over for a Saturday barbecue, and she had been running around like a chicken with her head cut off all day.

Harm was coming. with her. Harriet set a place for Kim beside Harm at the outside picnic table, but had to admit that it felt wrong to do so.

Harriet felt as though she had been very patient throughout the months following Mac's departure. She had tried her best to stay out of it, and for Harriet, that was saying a lot. Harriet had given them both space, respected their wishes, kept her opinions on the matter to herself.

If things were ever to work out, it would have to be effort and work on both sides…they'd have to do it on their own. If they decided to do anything at all that is. The thought both frightened and angered her. For being such intelligent individuals, their judgment sure could use a little tweaking.

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An hour later, the party was in full swing. Bud was manning the grill, the children were playing in the yard, and the adults were mingling with their refreshments.

Harm was nursing a beer, content to stand back and watch the people around him. Kim was sitting a few feet away talking to Varese, her hands resting on and intermittently rubbing her pregnant belly.

Harm had been dutiful…taking her to ultrasounds and birthing classes. He had immersed himself in literature about raising a baby, what to do and what to avoid. In all his preparations, he felt less and less ready. It was impossible for him to reconcile his new life with the one he had always pictured. Kim was a good woman…but she was never meant to be his. He loved Kim, 'loved' in the most basic sense of the word. He cared for her. After all, she was the soon to be mother of his child.

Harm had been attempting over the last few months to appear like a man eagerly anticipating the arrival of his firstborn, instead of the broken shell he felt he had morphed into the moment he had heard Mac's voice on the other end of the line telling him she was boarding a plane…and that she was sorry. At first, he thought maybe she had gone on some undercover mission and she was sorry she hadn't told him prior to being three seconds away from boarding and being whisked away to some secret location for God knew how long. Although the scenario still angered and worried him to death, he had failed to realize the reality of the situation. For weeks, his calls went unanswered and he had left messages.

He still remembers the drop in his heart when one day, instead of the ring he was so accustomed to hearing, he had heard the shrill tone of the automated voice tell him: "We're sorry, but the number you have called has been disconnected or is no longer in service."

He had been like a bat out of hell…calling Cresswell, Harriet, …anyone he could think of for answers. Harriet hadn't known anything, which sent her into a panic. Cresswell hadn't been prepared to tell him anything, yet Harm's unrelenting barrage of questions had backed him into a corner. He finally shared with Harm her request for privacy. She was safe, she just wasn't coming back.

He had been so overcome with emotion that he had thrown his phone at the wall. His anger had quickly dissipated into grief, a very empty and devastating ache cutting off his attempts to breathe deeply.

"I'm glad you could come Commander." Bud interrupted his thoughts with a pat on his back. "It's good to see you."

"Thanks, Bud."

"How are …things, sir?" Bud attempted to be smooth.

Harm gave a small smile. "I'm okay, Bud."

Bud opened his mouth to say something else, when he spotted a small fire on the grill. "Be..be right back, sir." He uttered over his shoulder as he made his way over to tend to it.

Harm took a long swig of his beer, the burn filling his chest and making the seconds that ticked by more bearable, if only a little.

Little AJ had taken to entertaining himself with his newest toy. He was currently peeking around the corner of the house, a mischievous grin on his face and a remote control in hand. His grin was infectious as he maneuvered his remote control Humvee through the groups of people with one target in mind: Uncle Harm.

The toy hit Harm's shoe with a 'THUD'. Harm looked down to find the source of the interruption, to see the car against his shoe, wheels still spinning. He searched the yard and caught sight of little AJ giggling.

Harm studied the car, and picked it up, smiling.

AJ ran over to him. "I need my car back, Uncle Harm." AJ reached out his hand, smiling up at him.

Harm handed it over to him, ruffling his hair. "Is that new kiddo? That's pretty neat."

"Uh-huh. " Little AJ nodded enthusiastically. "It's an early birthday present--"

Harriet, having heard the last bit of the exchange, looked over from the group she was chatting  
with a few feet away. "AJ—" she started, panic and warning in her tone.

"From Auntie Mac." AJ finished with a huge smile on his face, unaware of the implications of his words.

Harriet was quick to excuse herself and make her way over. "AJ, why don't you go inside and wash your hands? It's almost time to eat."

She watched AJ trudge toward the door, before turning to face Harm. _Oh, God._

Harm's jaw flexed, his expression revealing the underlying anger ready to boil.

"You know where she is." He stated, his voice pained. "You've known."

TBC. Don't forget to review!


	10. Part 9

A/N: So I love love love Lil-Miss-DiNozzo78 's reviews! Haha. Thanks and keep them coming! This chapter is being posted now because of you!

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Harriet closed her eyes briefly, silently praying for the wisdom to handle this correctly.

She opened them once more to find Harm, his piercing gaze and betrayed expression boring into her with no sign of reprieve.

"Harriet, I swear to God" his voice broke.

"Let's…go somewhere. To talk." Harriet said softly, nodding slightly.

Harriet turned, and started to walk around the side of the house. She led him around to the front porch, sitting down on the front step and patting the spot beside her.

Harm sat down, as she expelled a long breath.

"Look, I know you are upset, Harm. But, I haven't exactly known the whole time." She started cautiously.

He gave no response, just met her gaze with an expression that seemed to request that she continue.

"She…uh, contacted me about two months ago. I was so surprised to hear her voice on the other end…it had come up on the caller id as a number I didn't recognize." She spoke slowly, as if trying to give him time to process. "I wanted to tell you Harm…but…she—"

"didn't want you to." Harm interrupted quietly, running a hand over his face. It was then that Harriet noticed how exhausted he truly looked.

Harriet bowed her head, she couldn't meet his gaze when she told him this.

"Harm, she did what she thought was best for both of you. Don't be angry with her…"

There was an extended pause.

Harm took a shaky breath. "Is she… happy?"

"I don't know, Harm. I mean, she pretends she is okay, she seems to --"

"Harriet." Harm interjected, he knew Harriet was holding back.

"She's miserable, Harm."

Harm's jaw flexed again, fighting the urge to punch his fist through a wall.

"Harriet, I need you to tell me where she is."

Harriet looked away. "I want to Harm…I do. But, I gave her my word."

"Come on, Harriet. That's bullshit and you know it." Harm stated, exasperated at her silence.

"You think I don't want you two to be happy Harm? You think it doesn't kill me to try and stay out of this?" Harriet replied in a rush, before lowering her voice to a hushed whisper. "She left for reasons you may not even understand…and I _need to know_ Harm…what you plan to do once you find her."


	11. Part 10

A/N: Ok I decided to post again because I was feeling generous lol thank you SO much for the reviews thus far! Kelsey2010 and Lil-Miss-Dinozzo78 especially!

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"What the hell does that mean Harriet?" Harm's voice was low and gruff when he finally spoke.

"It means" Harriet twirled a leaf in her hands, arms resting on her knees. "…that I need a guarantee, Harm. Say I do tell you where she is; you go after her…and you find her."

There was a pause.

"What's changed, Harm? Kim…is here. She is standing several yards away, several months pregnant. _With your baby._ You practically live at her place…"

"I sleep on the couch." Harm choked out.

Harriet held up a hand as if to stop him. "It's none of my business."

An uncomfortable silence fell over them.

"I love her, Harriet." Harm's voice broke at the admission.

Harriet sighed, reaching over to grab Harm's hand and giving it a squeeze. "I know you do."

"There you are, honey." Bud rounded the corner of the house, "I've been looking for you. I need some help getting the food set out, the barbecue is done."

"Okay, I'll be right there." Harriet told him as she stood, dropping the leaf in her hand and facing Harm as he stood up as well.

"Tell me where she is Harriet..."

"I …_can't_ Harm. Please don't ask me to. I gave her my word."

Harm prepared to speak again, when Harriet silenced him with a hand to his chest.

"You should go inside." She motioned toward the front door with her gaze.

Harm wore a puzzled look on his face at the suggestion.

"Go upstairs…check out little AJ's room." She spoke slowly as she patted his chest and walked past him to go to the backyard.

"But, Harriet we haven't finished talking –"

Harriet stopped, turning slightly to look at him from a few feet away. "Just …do what I said…and  
Harm? Make this count."

She turned to go before a look of realization dawned on his face.

He was twisting the doorknob and slipping inside before he could draw his next breath. He bounded the steps, and approached little AJ's door, gently pushing it open. He smiled, taking in the pale blue decorations and the yellow biplane border on his wall. His bedspread was perfectly in place and turned down, making room for the stuffed animals at his headboard. A soft yellow light came from the lamp perched on the dresser by his bed, and there…in the far corner, sat a medium-sized box.


	12. Part 11

A/N: Thanks so so much for the reviews! And ROFL about the octomom comment! I happen to have some chapters already written but once I get this site up to date the updates will probably be less frequent Lol! And wow you really do crack me up! Haha Enjoy this part! More tomorrow. 

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Harm crossed the room to the box, immediately recognizing the writing. _Her writing._ His heart sped up and his hands felt shaky as he traced the letters with his finger. God, he missed her. His eyes scanned for the return address. _San Diego._

He grabbed the edge of the box, ripping the paper from its place, reading it several more times before shoving it in the pocket of his jeans. He took a few steadying breaths, her face permeating his thoughts, before exiting the room and shutting the door behind him.

He reluctantly returned to the party in the back yard. Kim had given him a long questioning look, and he had simply shrugged it off, asking her to tell him when she was ready to go. Harm had tried to eat, but couldn't…and kept reaching his hand into his pocket and fingering the paper as if to be sure it was still there. He had to get to her….and soon.

"Harm, are you okay?" Kim asked in a hushed voice, as she ate beside him. "You have barely touched your food."

"I…I'm fine." Harm answered distractedly.

Kim's gaze searched his face. She could tell that something was amiss. "Do you want to leave? Because we can…I am rather exhausted anyway."

Harm nodded. "Okay…" He stood up to help her to her feet.

"We must be going, thank you so much for inviting me." Kim spoke sweetly to Harriet.

"Thank you for coming." Harriet said as she gave her a gentle hug, being careful not to touch her belly.

Harriet's gaze turned to Harm. "Thank you, Harriet." The double meaning of the words were not lost on her as she met his gaze and gave his arm a squeeze.

Harm and Kim bid the rest of the guests goodbye, and Harm had given Bud a pat on the back and thanked him.

Harm helped Kim into the SUV, before going around and climbing in the driver's side and starting the car. Kim straightened the hem of her dress, pulling it down toward her tight-covered knees. She turned to look out the window, one hand coming to rest under her chin and the other placed on her belly. She sighed. Loudly.

"What is it?" Harm asked gently, as he pulled out of the Robert's drive.

"Nothing." Kim said quietly, casting him a sideways glance.

"It's not nothing."

"You just seem…" she searched for the right word.

"I'm sorry." Harm supplied quickly. "I don't want to fight, Kim. But, we do need to talk."

He turned his turn signal on, switching lanes and keeping his eyes on the road as they continued the drive to her house.

"About?"

"I…" It was his turn to search for the right words. "I have to go away for a few days."

"On a mission?"

"Something like that." It was a mission of sorts. "I'll make arrangements for someone to check in on you and maybe Harriet can stay over a few nights."

Kim became agitated. "I'm pregnant Harm, not disabled."

"I know, I just...I worry." Harm reached over rested his hand on her belly and she covered his hand with hers.

"I'll be fine." She gave his hand a squeeze. "How long will you be gone?"

"I'm not exactly sure…a week maybe?" He glanced at her through the corner of his eye.

Her face said what her lips refused to. She was upset.

"A week? Okay…all right. You have to do what you have to do." She attempted to sound upbeat.

Harm came to a stop in her driveway and put the car into "park." "I'll have Harriet call you tomorrow and check in."

"Tomorrow?"

Harm nodded. "I am catching a flight out tonight."

Kim simply stared at him, blinking a few times intermittently. "Tonight?"

"Yes." He nodded briefly.

"Will you come in for a while?" She asked, one hand on the door handle.

"I need to pack, Kim. I really should go. I'm sorry" He attempted to be sensitive. "Would you like me to help you to the door?"

"No, I'll manage." She replied in a low tone. "Call me when your flight lands?"

"Of course." He replied, giving her a small smile.

"Bye Harm." She returned the smile, shutting the door and walking towards her front door.

Harm reached into the pocket of his Jeans, pulled out the paper, and read it again.

Kim turned and waved to him before she entered the house, and Harm returned the gesture, holding up a hand in acknowledgment.

He was backing out of her driveway when he pulled out his phone and dialed a somewhat familiar number. He waited as it rang several times before someone at last answered on the other end.

"Yes" Harm responded quickly. "I am calling to find out what flights you have departing for San Diego tonight."

It would not be long now.


	13. Part 12

A/N: Strong language in this chapter. If it offends you, please look away. Haha. Kidding.

Thank you for all the amazing reviews! Reviews make me want to post …which works out for all of us lol

As I do see from the traffic stats, hundreds are clicking and few are responding. I LOVE feedback. It inspires me to continue so please keep that in mind. :]

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As it turned out, Harm was not able to catch a flight out that night. He was, however, able to catch an 8:30 am flight the next morning with just one stop in Las Vegas. He arrived at Lindbergh Field in San Diego nine hours after his departure from DC. The piece of paper that held Sarah Mackenzie's sprawling cursive was tucked away securely in the pocket of his jeans, and he took it out to direct the taxi driver as he slid into the back of the cab.

Mac's apartment was located in an area called Cardiff-by-the-Sea, a beach community just twenty miles from downtown San Diego, known for its shops and restaurants within walking distance. Harm had decided to direct the taxi to a hotel he had found nearby to freshen up and change. The hotel room, in addition to the shower it would provide, provided a back up plan of sorts. If Harm knew Mac at all, he suspected, no he was pretty damn sure, that Mac would not want him to stay with her. If she even wanted him around her at all.

He was still a bit shaky on the details. He remembered Harriet's warning. He needed to have a better game plan than the mantra in his head repeating the phrase "_Don't fuck up._" He wanted to hug her, he wanted to yell…God, he needed to think this through some more.

Harm grabbed his luggage, paid the cab driver and checked himself into the San Diego Hilton. He thought about what she may be doing. She was most likely out running errands on this late Sunday afternoon…or with someone. The thought struck him out of nowhere, and he was quick to push it out of his mind almost immediately. He could not and would not allow himself to worry about the 'what ifs' until he had a chance to talk to her. He needed to see her…he wanted to hear her voice again. Five months was a long time to go without her. He remembers the feel of her lips…the hint of her teeth nipping at him in both frustration and want for that brief stolen moment.

He placed the palms of his hands against the tile, his head hanging under the spray, letting the water cascade across and down the back of his head, shoulders and back. _He needs to regroup. He needs to relax. He needs to know what the hell he's going to say when she is in front of him._

He towel dried his hair, his jeans hanging loose on his hips as he made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He had already called a cab to be here in a half hour. His stomach was tied into knots with both anticipation and anxiety. He pulled on a black fitted sweater and put on his shoes, put a bit of gel in his hair, grabbed his leather jacket and took the elevator to meet the cab at the hotel entrance. Once again, he fingered the address tucked away in the pocket of his jeans. 'If I survive this cab ride,' he thought to himself humorously as he weaved in and out of traffic at an alarming rate. 'I swear to God she will never again doubt how much I feel for her.'

The cab pulled up in front of a simple yet elegant looking apartment building. Its location sat right on the beach and Harm couldn't help but picture Mac walking along the water, her toes squishing in the sand, hair blowing in the breeze. He could see her happy in a place like this. The thought made him smile despite himself.

'Apt 212' Harm read for about the millionth time from the scrap of paper as he shoved it back in his pocket and bounded the stairs. 'What would she say…do?' He swallowed the lump in his throat as he came to stand before the door. _Her_ door.

He felt his hand start to curl into a fist and raise up to the door. He knocked three times, not too hard, but hard enough. He waited. He waited some more. He knocked again. He heard nothing but the faint sound of someone on the stairs. He knocked again, this time a bit more firmly. In all his wondering, he had never stopped to consider that she may not be home -or even worse, not in town.

He heard the sound just as he caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye. Her groceries hit the floor with a 'crash'. He turned towards her slowly. Her face wore a startled look and her arms hung in limbo as if they had yet to register that the bag was no longer resting within them.

Her brows furrowed in an expression that was so uniquely Mac and her mouth opened and closed a few times before she decided to give up speaking altogether.

In the truest of delayed reactions, she bent to the floor trying to gather her groceries and place them back in the bag. Harm was quick to assist her as he grabbed a few stray items and placed them in the bag carefully. Harm allowed his eyes a moment look her up and down, checking for changes. She had lost a few pounds that she didn't need to lose, and her hair had gotten longer. Mac caught him looking at her and noticeably stiffened. She placed the bag of salad in the bag before turning to him. Ok, _someone_ had to address it.

"What…" she didn't like the way her voice shook, so she decided to start again. "What are you doing here?" Each word was punctuated with an emphasis that was not lost on Harm. Her voice was even and deceptively calm.

"I came here to see you." He responded pointedly, his eyes meeting her for a moment.

Mac grabbed the bag and stood up quickly. "Well, you've seen me." She said through a clenched jaw, and he knew her anger must be boiling just under the surface.

"Mac…" he started, pleading with her in his tone.

"Harm." She was short, and her voice rose slightly as she cut him off.

She continued quickly in a hushed voice: "Just how the hell do you want me to respond here? You show up here out of the blue after five months of silence and expect…what exactly?" Her eyebrow did the slight raise it always did that he secretly found irresistible.

Harm's look was incredulous. "You are so right. Instead of boarding a nine hour flight I could have just picked up the phone and gave you a call. " His voice dripped with sarcasm. "Oh wait, I forgot! You made sure that couldn't happen."

Mac's face revealed the sting of the remark. She didn't have the energy to do this with him. _Not here. Not now. Possibly, not ever_. She needed him to hold her…she needed to slap him. Hard. She didn't know yet which need trumped the other.

"Harm, I can't do this tonight. I was coming back just now to get ready to go out to a dinner for work." Mac's gaze was fixed on the floor, as she spoke plainly and detached.

"Oh." Harm ran a hand over the back of his neck, obviously a little unsure of what to do next.

Mac felt her resolve start to crumble. He looked so sad. For the first time since he arrived, she allowed herself to really look at him.

"Well, since my date cancelled on me last minute, I suppose you will suffice."

Harm felt compelled to ask her about this "date", but thought better of it and kept his mouth shut. She was asking him to accompany her and that meant she didn't completely despise him…_yet_. He sensed progress.

"I, uh...need to change." She said awkwardly, fumbling for her keys and not inviting him in.

He nodded, offering her a slight reassuring smile. It was okay. He understood. "I'll meet you back here?"

She nodded slightly. "You have somewhere to stay?" Her big vulnerable eyes searched his.

"The Hilton."

"Ok, well I have to go." Mac's brain was becoming quite cloudy and she sensed Harm had something to do with that.

Harm watched her unlock the door, slip inside, and close it securely behind her.

Mac's heart was hammering in her chest as she clutched her grocery bag to her chest and leaned back against the door. S_he was going to kill Harriet._

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_TBC! Review me lol :]_


	14. Part 13

A/N: Thank you for the reviews!

3MZoey: Thank you so much! My goal was to put our beloved characters in a unique situation and create a story that is different from most.

Lil-Miss-DiNozzo78: Thank you! I will have to read your fic! Glad you liked this chapter…trying to show the angst and anger yet the underlying need they have for one another.

Japetn: Thank you so much for your review! More on the way!

Achaon: Thanks! So true. Things are never easy where they're concerned but the love keeps em going :]

GreenEyes09: Thank you so much for your review! Glad you love it!

Kelsey2010: Thank you for your review! Yeah, Mac was a bit out of sorts. Lol.

Now on to the story.

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Harm was thankful that he had brought at least one suit with him to San Diego. He attributed the fact that he had brought it along to the hope that he may by some miracle be able to take her out for a nice dinner at some point before his flight left.

He had come back to her place an hour later, knocking twice before she had answered holding her coat and clutch, coming out into the hall and shutting the door behind her. Harm couldn't help but notice that she was wearing the same black dress she had worn on their date back in DC. He wonders if she remembered.

The tension between them seemed to loom like an actual presence. Both were silent as she hit the automatic locks and allowed him in the passenger side. She drove them silently through the downtown streets toward the convention center where the dinner was being held. They got stopped at a light, Mac's turn signal jingle seemed to be magnified against the silence. She tapped her nails of her left hand against the steering wheel. Her gaze shifted to the right as she felt his eyes on her. She sighed. He needed to stop staring at her. It was making her want to shove him out of the car.

The light turned green and she yielded to the left, pulling over to the valet at the right and putting the car into park. She grabbed her clutch and got out, having not spoken a word to Harm as she handed her keys to the valet guy and took a number. She met him around the side of the car and didn't bother to stop as she continued in through the door. He was a big boy. He could keep up.

"Colonel Mackenzie!" Lieutenant Commander Drew Rollins, a coworker from the office approached her as she walked in.

Mac smiled in response. "Lt. Cmdr. Rollins, how are you?"

Harm walked up at that moment.

"I'm good, and who is this?" Drew eyed Harm curiously.

Mac turned to Harm. "Lt. Cmdr Drew Rollins this is Cmdr Harmon Rabb Jr."

Harm reached out to shake his hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Same to you. How do you two know each other?"

"We work together." Harm answered.

"_Worked_ together." Mac corrected him quickly, as she stole an hors d'oeuvres from a tray as it passed.

Harm shot her a look. Mac pretended not to notice and put the hors d'oeuvres in her mouth.

"Well, it was nice meeting you. I'll see you Colonel." Lt. Cmdr. Rollins smiled and walked over to talk to a guest that had just arrived.

Mac saw her CO walking towards her out of the corner of her eye. '_Damn.'_

"Here comes my boss. " She muttered absent-mindedly and more to herself than to him.

"Don't worry. I promise to behave." Harm smirked.

She rolled her eyes.'_Great. Just great._'

"Colonel, glad you could make it."

"I'm glad to be here, Sir." Mac cleared her throat and turned to Harm. "This is Cmdr. Harmon Rabb Jr. We uh, worked together at JAG. Cmdr., this is Admiral Kenley, my CO."

"Nice to meet you Cmdr. How long have you two known each other?"

"Going on a decade, sir." Harm smiled.

"She has been a great asset to the office—oh, excuse me." The Admiral said as he pulled out his ringing cell phone.

Mac looked down and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

"uhuh…ok…put her on. Lena, listen to your brother. ….Just do as he says, alright?" The Admiral turned a bit to finish the phone call in semi-privacy.

He shut the phone and slipped it in his pocket, turning back to them. "I apologize for that. My daughter can be a little rebellious. I am assured it is just the age." He chuckled. "Do you have kids Commander?"

"I, uh.." Harm started.

"He has one on the way." Mac supplied, an edge of bitterness in her tone.

"Well, Congratulations. I remember how happy my wife and I were over our first." He smiled jovially.

Mac grasped her coat more firmly and her lips were set in a thin line.

"Thank you." Harm managed.

"Well, have a great time feel free to mingle, help yourselves to the food and drinks." He patted Harm on the shoulder as he moved on to speak with someone else.

"I'll go get you a drink." Harm suggested.

Mac nodded. "I'll find us a table."

They parted ways temporarily and Harm made his way to the drink table. Soda with a twist for Mac, and a glass of wine for him.

He found Mac sitting alone at a table in the far corner. He sat her drink down in front of her and sat down beside her.

Mac took a long sip, looking for anything to fill the awkward silence that fell around them.

"You wore that dress the night of our date, you remember?" He finally asks softly, he's not sure why.

"The night before your world got turned upside down? Yeah…I remember." Mac responded dryly.

Harm rubbed a hand over his face. "Tell me what to do…tell me how to act here, Mac." His frustration evident in his tone.

"That's my line, Harm." Mac said in a hushed voice, casting a glance around her as she leaned toward him. "You find out where I am and get it into your hero complex filled brain that I need to be rescued, is that it? Damn you."

"Damn you, Mac." He responded, and leaned forward just as she was.

To others, they appeared to be two people having an intimate conversation.

"I get a phone call from you telling me that you are boarding a plane and that you are sorry…and the next thing I know, instead of your voice mail, I'm hearing an automated voice telling me that your number is no longer in service? My God Mac, Do you…Do you have any idea of the kind of panic that set in at the thought of you being God knows where with no way to reach you?"

Mac swallowed, she hadn't realized how close they were until she caught herself mere inches away from him. She drew back slightly.

"I…no.., and I am sorry to have worried you." Mac's eyes were downcast as she smoothed the silk of her dress with her hand.

Harm shook his head slightly. She had apologized in the way that a child does after being chastised by an adult to do so. It was obligatory and hollow. He took a drink, letting the wine work its way down his throat. He loosened his tie a bit.

"There are …_things_…that I want to know that I am not sure I have the right to ask." He started softly.

"Such as?" Her eyebrow rose.

"Such as…what you have been doing the past five months, who you spend your time with, who your date tonight was…" he trailed off, that expression on his face mirroring the one he had when he had asked if she had gone topless back in Sidney Harbor.

"You were right." Mac said agitatedly, looking away as she spoke.

"About?"

"About not having a right to ask those questions." She folded her arms and leaned back in her chair. Her face revealing a certain sadness.

"How did I know you'd feel that way?" Harm asked dryly.

"You want answers?" She asked sarcastically, leaning back into him. "Ok, here goes. I've been working, I have a group of girlfriends that, while they can be a bit crazy, are fun to be around, and my date was some guy said girlfriends set me up with last week. We went out to dinner, had a pretty good time. I think he ordered the chicken Florentine, he was wearing a grey suit, pulled out the chair for me, let's see, what else?...oh wait, you want to know if we had sex?"

She was fuming.

"_Enough_, Mac." Harm's jaw was set. His fists clenched tightly at his side. He was sick to his stomach right now just thinking of someone else getting close to her, Christ even **breathing** on her.

Mac felt her blood boil and her skin crawl. She could not do this...she would not do this now.

Mac got up, grabbed her clutch, and made her way across the room and into the foyer area of the banquet hall. Harm followed.

He caught up with her and lightly grabbed her arm, pulling her quickly into the seclusion of a side hall. "Mac."

She jerked away angrily, and leaned back against the wall as he invaded her personal space. "Why are you here?"

"Do you want me to leave?" He deflected as usual, taking another step closer.

"Yes." She answered simply, folding her arms at her chest as if for protection.

"No, you don't." Harm told her confidently.

She saw red. "And you know what I want?"

He moved in closer. Mac's gaze traveled to his lips. He was leaning into her and her mind was swirling in at dizzying speed. He was making her forget that she hated him.

"I know you, Mac…and though you are telling me to go, your eyes are begging me to stay."

Her breath came out in uneven spurts, as her eyes searched his. His hand came up to caress her neck softly, as he leaned in and touched his lips to hers.

Mac moaned into his mouth at the contact, kissing him back just as intensely as he was kissing her. His tongue moved across the seam of her lips, and she allowed him access. He pulled her lower lip into his mouth for just a second, and he couldn't wrap his mind around it…he was busy trying to comprehend that for all the years, all the moments, all the glances and words and loss, these hell-filled past five months, that this moment was here and Mac was finally and blissfully against him.

She was sinking against him now, her knees bending slightly as she leaned on the wall behind her. He tipped her chin up to him while his other arm snaked around her waist and pulled her against him, supporting her weight. She moaned in response, trapped between the wall and the onslaught of his body, and wondering why she ever wanted to be anywhere else.

"_Harm_." She breathed against his lips. They couldn't do this here. He pulled away slightly, their breaths still mixing in the small space between them.

"I'm sorry, Mac." His voice was ragged as he attempted to speak. She shook her head, her eyes shut tightly.

"No. Don't." She didn't want him to regret anything of the past few moments. She wouldn't allow it.

They stayed that way for a few more minutes, as if preparing themselves for the cold that would inevitably envelop them when they no longer had the others body to warm them. Harm lowered his arm from around her waist, and slowly stood up straight and away from her.

She finally opened her eyes. Her lips were swollen, her hair a bit tussled, and she had never looked more beautiful.

She blushed slightly as he stared. "I …uh…need to go ..freshen up." She was awkward, and her voice shook with uncertainty.

He nodded, as he straightened his tie.

"I'll see you back in there."

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TBC leave me thoughts please lol


	15. Part 14

A/N: Lil-Miss-Dinozzo: hahaha you are so funny! As always thanks for the review! Nine hours for a freaking kiss hahaha love that.

acheon: The next chapter will start to get more "M" lol and thanks for the reviews!! :]

Kelsey2010: hahaha I thought about making her beat him…but he's really too much to resist when he's leaning you up against a wall in your personal space and speaking that way in that low voice of his …and she's only human hahahahahahaha. :] thanks so much for your reviews!

Alix33: Yes, I was waiting for someone to catch that! Nice job :] About Harm's mom and step-father, for the purpose of this story they are not so involved. I just feel that Harm is an adult and he is at the last minute flying over there for a short time to deal with an issue they are not even aware of. They are not central to this story so I just made the decision to keep them out. Thanks for the question and review :]

Tamk3: Thank you so much! I appreciate hearing things like that and props for reading it all just now :] Hope you continue to enjoy!

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He made his way back to their table, his mind spinning and his heart racing. He wondered why all of a sudden the room felt different.

He checked his watch for the time. Several minutes had passed. He started to panic. What if she had bolted? What if he had gone too far? He wanted to go find her. He checked his watch again, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He waited a few more minutes, and visibly relaxed when he saw her making her way across the room to him.

She sat back down beside him, quietly setting her clutch down on the table.

Their eyes met briefly, and Harm swore he detected a hint of a smile in them.

"Colonel!" Major Erin Miller approached her, a baby in her arms.

"Hi!" Mac's face lit up. "Is this the little guy?"

"Yes," she responded as she lowered the baby's blanket for Mac to see. "This is little Ethan Miller." She couldn't help but gush. "Do you want to hold him?"

"Of course."

Erin lowered the baby into Mac's arms.

Mac held him carefully, staring down at his small features and unable to contain the smile on her face. She lifted her hand softly to caress his little fingers.

Harm watched Mac hold the baby and was unable to stop the ache in his chest.

"Major Erin Miller, this is Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. of the JAG Corps." Mac smiled and nodded with her head in Harm's direction, as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and continued to gush over the little miracle in her arms.

"Nice to meet you, Sir." Erin smiled as she took a seat beside Mac.

"Are you getting much sleep yet?" Mac asked.

"A little, but then he opens his eyes and smiles at me, or grasps my finger in his little hand, and its all worth it."

Mac smiled. "I'll bet."

She rocked the baby a bit in her arms, talking to him softly as she swayed her arms.

And as he caught her eye over the table, the baby cradled in her arms, his heart nearly broke. He wanted _this._ He wanted this _with her. For her_. But, he had gone and screwed it up. One night of weakness and she was suffering too.

Although Harm had yet to fully grasp Mac's reasons for leaving or the feelings she may have, when he saw how she lit up with that baby in her arms, the pieces began to fall together.

Several minutes passed. Harm and Mac found themselves alone once more, an uncomfortable silence lingering heavily above their table like a cloud.

Harm stole a glance Mac's way. 'Had it really happened back there? Had he really had his mouth on her…her body flush against him?' He half wondered if he had invented the moment in his mind…but he could still smell her perfume and taste her on his lips.

It took a moment for Harm to realize that Mac had caught him staring. She gave him a look that seemed to say: "Don't stare at me. _Not like that_."

"Harm." Her breath had caught. "We need to talk."

Harm nodded slowly. "I know." He said in a whisper.

Mac shifted in her chair, re-situating the fabric of her dress.

"I'm afraid, Mac." He started, swallowing hard before continuing. "Afraid that what I have to say to you won't be enough to make you want to be with me."

Mac shook her head sadly, her hands fidgeting with her cloth napkin. "See, that's where you're wrong; I already want to be with you…...but, wanting and getting are two different things, Harm." Her expressive eyes slowly came up to meet his, and she seemed on the verge of crying.

"I'm here, Mac. I came to find you and despite what you may think, I didn't come here to rescue you…didn't come because I thought you may need saving. I was worried about you...and I did care to see how you were..but I know you are strong, Mac. I knew you didn't need to be saved." His voice was ragged with emotion as his eyes pleaded with hers. "I came here to save myself."

Mac closed her eyes and shook her head quickly, as if trying to clear it of his words.

"I _need you_, Mac."

Mac looked down once again, her voice insecure and tinged with sadness as she finally found it in her to speak.

"...And I need you…but unfortunately, I am not the only woman who does, Harm...and certainly not the one who should be receiving priority."

Harm hated himself in that moment. He reached for her hand, his fingers curling around it on her lap before she jerked it away.

"She's not a factor in this, Mac."

"Like hell she's not."

Mac shot a glance around her, as if just now remembering where they were having this discussion.

"We should go."

Before he could respond, she was standing up. She grabbed her clutch and started toward the door, him following shortly after.

Mac reached into her clutch and took out her ticket, handing it to the valet as Harm came to stand beside her.

"Does she know you are here?" She breathed into the San Diego night air.

"No."

Mac hadn't supposed otherwise.

Her car pulled up and Mac went around to the driver's side as the valet got out and she tipped him.

She got in and shut her door, buckling her seat belt and watching him do the same in silence. She pulled off the curb and into the street, heading back toward her apartment.

Harm stared out the window. He needed to say something now. He could feel it. But, he had yet to find the right words, so he thought it better to sit there silently.

She took his turn.

"Do you think that is fair?"

"What are you talking about?"

"To do to her…to do to _me._"

"You think I owe it to her to tell her our story?" Harm said, hands gesturing in frustration.

"You owe it to me that she know it, yes."

There was silence.

"I want her to know it…to know about me. God, that makes me screwed up, huh?"

Mac managed through waves of emotion as she put her head in her hands on the steering wheel, having stopped at the light.

She ran a hand through her hair, her other coming to rest over her mouth as she looked over at him.

"Damn it." Mac uttered angrily when a horn sounded behind her, alerting her that the light had turned green.

"I want her to know who I am to you…what we've seen each other through." She whispered sadly as she drove.

"Mac" Harm pleaded gently for her to stop, but she wouldn't hear of it.

"I want her to know that I have one part of you that she can never have...true she may have had you in her bed, she may have your child growing inside her, but goddamn it I had ten years with you so"-- Mac started sarcastically, her words teeming with anger and sadness.

"Please Mac, don't do this."

"It's done, Harm. YOU did this—not me. I didn't ask for this." She said in a rush, her voice tortured and raw.

Mac put the car into park and Harm realized they were back at her apartment.

"I know you didn't, Mac. Damn it…I know you didn't."

She unbuckled her seat belt and turned the car off.

"What if I had gotten drunk with some guy, huh? Let him put his hands on me in a moment of weakness? Took him home and wound up pregnant? What would you do? How would you be feeling?" She raised her voice.

Harm reached over the seat for her.

"Don't touch me!" she smacked at his chest.

"I'm so sorry Mac…_I'm so sorry._" His voice broke.

"I need you to forgive me, Mac."

"What?" she muttered in disbelief, her head spinning to look at him.

"If you forgive me maybe I can work on forgiving myself…"

Mac's head fell forward a little in defeat. "It's not like you cheated on me, Harm."

"I hurt you."

"I had no claim on you…you had every right to do what you did. You are an adult." Mac said solemnly. Evenly.

Harm unbuckled his seatbelt. "I made a mistake…now we're paying for it. I'd do anything to fix this, Mac."

"Everyone is entitled to mistakes. God knows I haven't led a perfect life, Harm."

"Stop it, Mac. I'd prefer you screaming at me again to this...this detachment. "

"Harm," Mac deflated. "I can't cry any more tears…I can't say any more words. _I don't want to talk. _I don't want to hash it out with you anymore. Because…Because, at the end of the day she will still be the woman pregnant with your child and I'll still be the woman who is so jealous and shattered she can't see straight."

With that, Mac reached for the handle of the door, opening it and getting out of the car.

Harm did so as well and came around the car to where she was standing beside it.

Without a word or sound, Mac leaned into him, resting her face on his chest as one arm circled her waist and the other found its way to the back of her head where it lay softly.

In the midst of so much that had gone wrong, Harm did something that for the first time in a long while, felt right. _He held her._


	16. Part 15

A/N: Alix33: by jingle I was referring to the rhythmic sound that a turn signal makes (i.e. the tick tock you described) I wasn't meaning to imply her turn signal cranked out "Oh Holy Night" or anything.

Tamk3: You make a good point! :] Yeah I definitely think this chapter really shows the hurt and anguish she is feeling.

Lil-miss-DiNozzo: hahahah love it! Yes talking gets them nowhere a lot of the time that's for sure haha

Kelsey2010: Aww thank you so much! I was hoping that the emotions were coming across the way I wanted them to. So glad you love this story! :] and yes girl, we all want it lol! Lucky!

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The chill in the air caused Mac to shudder against him and he enveloped her more tightly, in an attempt to shelter her from the wind.

Her arms still hung down at her sides, not wanting to touch him because she wanted to _too much._

Harm stood still. Afraid that even the slightest movement would shatter the moment and she would back away from him…go back to not wanting him to touch her. He didn't think he could take it. _Not again._

"Harm." Her voice was barely audible over the sound of the wind and the muffling of her mouth against his suit jacket.

She lifted her head slightly, repositioning her head to lie in the crook of his neck, her lips coming to rest against his ear. "Can you stay a bit?" Her soft lips and warm breath found their way against him and Harm was finding it difficult to remain  
unaffected by their presence.

He nodded against her slowly. "Yeah." He managed.

She slowly backed out of his embrace, turning to head for the door of her building and expecting him to follow.

They reached the top of the stairs and to Mac's apartment door as she fumbled through her clutch for the keys. Her stomach was twisted into knots and her legs felt like they could give out at any moment as she struggled to put the key into the lock. Funny, it had never been a problem before.

Harm observed her quietly. She was shaking. Just when he was about to reach out and help her, she was at last able to slip the key in the lock.

She opened the door slowly, flipped on a light and walked in. She turned and opened the door further as an invitation.

Harm surveyed the room. Somehow it was important…almost painfully so… that he see where she had been staying for almost half a year. He had given it a lot of thought. He had foolishly pictured an apartment full of stacked boxes, waiting to be unpacked. However, everything seemed to be in its place. He didn't see any boxes. The place looked lived in…settled into. Harm bristled at the thought.

She shut the door and locked it, effectively taking him away from his thoughts. She hung her coat on the hook by the door and turned to face him.

"Would you like something to drink?" Her eyes betrayed her air of confidence. She was frightened.

"Sure." Harm nodded slightly and offered her a slight smile.

He crossed the room to her living room when she escaped toward what he assumed was the kitchen. A picture caught his eye as it sat on her bookshelf in a black wood frame. He came to stand before it. It was of Mac and a few women her age, all setting at a table in a restaurant. Mac was laughing and he couldn't help but smile at the look on her face. He picked it up to study it more closely. She looked happy.

Mac came into the room, setting his bottled water on the coffee table behind him.

"You look happy." He stated softly.

Mac noticed what he was looking at. "I've had my moments." She said vaguely.

He sighed as he placed the photo back on the shelf and turned to face her.

"What about you?" She asked as she sat down on the couch, taking a drink of her water. "What makes you happy these days?"

"Not much." He answered honestly as he came to sit beside her.

Mac brushed a piece of hair behind her ear and nodded slowly. "Yeah." She said simply, looking down.

Mac's eyes were full of tears when she looked back up at him.

"Hey." He whispered gently as he pulled her against him, her face once again coming to rest in the crook of his neck. This time though she brought her arms around him, clutching bits of his suit jacket tightly in her hands.

"It's okay, Mac." He reassured her gently, his palm rubbed her back reassuringly. He loved being able to touch her like this.

"No it isn't..." She mumbled emotionally against his neck. "No it isn't."

Harm was able to stop the moan from escaping his lips when he felt her place a kiss against his neck.

"Mac…" he managed to get out. "What…what are you doing?"

She placed an open mouth kiss at his jaw line. "I don't know." She whispered huskily as she continued.

Harm moaned despite his efforts to remain rational. "Mac…_we can't_…we need to talk about this."

"I'm done talking." Mac breathed as she brought her hands up to his neck and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"Kiss me." She whispered breathlessly. "kiss me like you did back there."

"Mac…I want to. God, I want to."

"Then what's stopping you?" she ran a hand down his chest. With that, the control he had so previously had a grasp on escaped him.

He brought a hand up to her neck, brushing his thumb against the softness of her cheek and looking her in the eye before lowering his gaze to her lips. He leaned in, putting his lips on hers and moaning at the contact. She responded immediately wrapping her arms around his neck, as he sought access to her mouth with his tongue. She met his tongue with hers, both of them dueling passionately in a series of moans and pants. He pulled her over onto his lap, her legs coming to rest on either side of his thighs, her dress sliding up a few inches.

She fumbled with his tie, finally dragging it free of the collar of his shirt and starting on the buttons. She broke off contact with his lips, leaning down to kiss his bare skin as she uncovered it.

She pulled the ends of his dress shirt out of his pants, before leaning back on his lap to look at his face. She was met with an intensity that left her feeling vulnerable. Harm's gaze seared through her and she blushed and ducked her head in response. The weight of what was happening hit her in that moment. _Jesus Christ. She was on his lap. _

To hell with it though_… She wanted him._ And, wasn't a decade long enough to wait? He watched as her eyes darkened as she leaned in to nip at his jaw line and pulled back.

"Harm." She whispered, searching his eyes for any sign of what he was feeling, as she grabbed one of his hands, bringing it to rest on her breast. "I want you to touch me."

"_Jesus, Mac_." Harm uttered something resembling a moan as he used his other hand to bring her into a passionate kiss, both out of breath but unwilling to stop. Never in his life had he expected to hear those words come out of her mouth in regards to him. Sure, maybe it had happened once or twice in his dreams. But, the reality…the reality was enough to kill a man. She was so sexy, so devastatingly beautiful…so…Harriet? What the hell?

Had the phone been ringing? He hadn't heard it ring.

"Ma'am, it's me. Harriet. I did something I'm not sure you'll forgive me for anytime soon…and well I debated telling you but I wanted you to be forewarned. Commander Rabb is on his way there…I know, I know. I promised…. I am sorry. Please Ma'am..just…just hear him out. He's not happy with Kim. I know he isn't. I also know how much he cares about you, Ma'am. Well, that's all I really have to say. Again, I'm sorry. Please call me."

The minute Harriet's voice had permeated the space, they had both frozen, both of them meeting the other's gaze, powerless to stop what she might say. At the sound of the beep signaling she had hung up, Mac leaned her face into Harm's chest. She took a few steadying breaths. Harm removed his hands from her as he brought one hand up to run across his face. "Damn it." His voice was raw and a bit angry.

Mac pulled her head away from his chest, looking at him sorrowfully.

"I think you better go. I shouldn't have…" she stumbled over herself. "You were right. This can't be fixed by.....doing _whatever it was_ that we were doing."

Harm nodded, and started to button his shirt back together. She watched, unable to clear the desire from her gaze as she scooted off his lap and sat beside him once more on the couch. She handed him his tie, their fingers brushing and Mac was surprised to find she was missing his hands on her already.

"You need me to drive y--?"

He cut her off softly. "I'll call a cab. I'll just, uh, wait outside."

She nodded slightly, as she watched him cross the room to her door, unlocking it and opening it, glancing back at her for a second before locking the door once more and closing it behind him.

Mac's body crumbled, her face coming to rest against one of her throw pillows as she threw a fist against a cushion.

TBC and let me know what you think please!


	17. Part 16

A/N: Lil-Miss-DiNozzo: whoa. 0_O hahaha thanks as always for the review!

Kelsey2010: I know, right?? Harriet totally ruined the thing they had going there. Lol. Love your reviews!!!! Hope you continue to love it :]

Tamk3: Aww, thanks so much and yes "HARRIET!" indeed. worst. timing. ever. I appreciate you reading and your feedback!

Alix33: hahahahahaha glad that made you laugh. Yeah my car is the same way (Chrysler sebring convertible) with the old-fashioned key in lock feature lol. And yes, horrible horrible timing. I tried to find what line you were referring to?? Can you tell me where it was and I can explain it. She may be afraid of how much she cares for him but she does not fear him because she thinks he will hurt or mistreat her. ??? let me know and I can put it in better context of what I was thinking.

Achaon: not sure what you are referring to but this is an angst story. There will be more of this before there are good times. Just the nature of my writing and it's not for everyone. Fluff and romance (without some anguish) are really just not my thing lol. Angst feels more real life to me. Thanks for reviewing :]

Kiely: Welcome aboard! SO glad you are reading and thanks for the feedback. I, too, don't know who my heart breaks more for. Hope you continue to read and enjoy!

Lawandordersvu1: had a long day doing projects for my nonprofit org course but will post a few parts tonight if people are reading and want them :] Thanks for reviewing and as you can probably tell from my icon – HUGE svu fan!

SwimERfanatic13: Thank you so much! I am glad you like it!

Japetn: I am so glad you do! Not a lot of people love the angst –I'm a huge fan. I think its more true to life and their characters. Thanks so much for your review:]

Leyte: Thank you! She was not dating Webb at the time because Harm only met Kim and became friends with her through his time at the CIA…the actual incident in the bar was afterward and around the time Harm and Mac started getting closer in part 1 of the story. Although, I agree. She still has no real right to be angry. Yet, she's always felt as if he was hers and vice versa. Gah, these two. Lol Thanks for the feedback! Love your thoughts on it!

Anothershipper: Thank you SOOOOO much for this review! It made my night and I appreciate it. I am very mindful and cautious of staying in character and making the emotions real and I am so happy that you think I am staying true to that. I hope you continue to enjoy it as the story progresses! Thanks again so much!

Whew. You all are so nice. Thank you. This part is a little short but if I can I'll post a few more parts before I head to bed if you guys want. Please let me know what you think .

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A few moments after the last chapter took place  
Mac's apartment

---------------------------------

Mac crossed the room to pull out her cell phone, cursing phones and their timing as she flipped it open and pressed it to her ear in an agitated manner.

"Hello."

"Care to tell me what is going on, Mac?"

It was Sylvia.

Mac straightened her dress, her lips still a bit swollen from his kiss and she still felt a little out of sorts.

"You are going to have to be a little bit more specific, Sylvie."

Mac crossed the room to her bedroom, sitting on the bed and removing her shoes.

"I showed up at the dinner. Major Miller said you had been there a few minutes prior. _With a man_. A man you said you had worked with previously at JAG. …._He_ came here to see you, didn't he?"

Mac expelled a breath. She wasn't sure she wanted to get into this.

"Mac? It was him, wasn't it? Commander Rabb?"

"Yes, Sylvie. It was _him_."

"And?"

"And…what? " Mac's tone conveyed her frustration.

"Mac, come on. What happened??? What did he say? After all these months of not talking, you would think --wait. How did he even find you?"

"Sylvie….he…Harriet had something to do with I suppose. He just sort of…showed up at my doorstep earlier this evening. I'm not quite sure what is happening or what it means…but he is staying at a hotel. I am unsure when he is leaving. That's it."

"….That's it?" Sylvie's tone was incredulous.

"Come on, Sylvie..tell me how you really feel." Mac was starting to get angry.

"I'm sorry…" she hesitated.

Mac felt the anger leave her. "I am sorry too..I just..he was just here..things got out of hand…I'm a little... I'm confused. I don't know what came over me and I'm not sure what this means for us …"

Mac could detect the smile in Sylvia's voice when she spoke again. "Out of hand?"

"Sylvie. " Mac warned. She couldn't let her mind go back there. Not when it was still fresh… and she could remember how good it felt.

"Good for you." Sylvie approved.

Mac groaned self-deprecatingly.

"Maaac." Sylvie chided. "You are adults for Christ sake. You have known and have been attracted to this man for a decade….a lesser woman never would have made it this far." She chuckled. "Take me for example. Five weeks would have been my cut-off date."

"But Sylvie, I…this is different. This is _Harm._"

"Ah. The man you have measured all others against."

"He makes me feel things I didn't know I could feel." Mac sighed, letting her moment of weakness lead her to confession.

"Mac…go to him. Finish what you started. Tell him you want him to go. Tell him you want him to stay. Just talk to him. Don't let him go back to DC before you each have said what you need to say…."

Mac was silent on her end. "I…I need time to think Sylvie. I'll talk to you later?"

"Al right."

"Bye." Mac breathed into the phone, closing it shortly after and laying it on her bed, before letting herself fall back on the bed, her legs dangling off the edge of the mattress. She stared up at the ceiling.

What if Harm had planned to check out tomorrow? Was he planning to leave soon? Where did Kim think he was? 'Certainly not sitting on a couch being straddled by her.' Mac thought dryly.

She ran a hand through her hair, leaving her hand to rest on her forehead.

She didn't want him to go. Yet, she couldn't ask him to stay.

Harm needed to be near his child…for the babies birth, visitation, important events. He couldn't stay in San Diego pretending she was his only concern for much longer.

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Harm had decided to change and go back out to a bar near his hotel for a drink. He desperately needed a beer and being left alone with his thoughts right now was proving to be a disaster.

He entered Rick's Bar and Pub on the corner of 17th and Linder to a pretty packed house. Smoke filled the air giving it an almost fog like appearance.

Harm made his way over to a stool at the bar, ordering a draft beer and waiting for it to be placed in front of him.

"You in the military?" His attention was drawn to a blonde sitting on his left.

He smiled. "What makes you say that?"

She shrugged, a twinkle in her eye. "I've been around the type enough to know. So, let me guess…navy?"

"Right again." Harm chuckled. "What gave it away?"

"Your hair. It's much too long…and might I add, attractive to be marine issue. You don't appear to be Air Force and definitely not Army."

Harm smiled as he thanked the bartender for his beer and he took a sip, closing his eyes briefly as the liquid warmed him.

"Long night?"

"You could say that." Harm really had no interest in elaborating further.

"I'm sorry." She said nicely enough, taking a sip of her martini.

"You wanna dance?" She asked, her gaze shifting to the dance floor.

"No. I better not."

"Come on, sailor. Just one dance. It might make you feel better?"

He doubted it.

"Okay. One dance." He replied with a sigh, getting up to follow her to the dance floor.

--------------------------

2 hours later…

He paid the cab and went inside the hotel to his room. He was slightly buzzed from the two beers, but he could still walk a straight line. It may just take him a bit longer.

He put the card into the slot, waiting for the red light to turn green before he pushed the handle down and was granted access to his room. He made his way to the bathroom, stripping down and turning the water on for his shower.

The hot water had felt quite nicely and it had helped sober him up a bit.  
He shut the water off, grabbing a fluffy white towel off the rack and wrapping it around his waist.  
'Was Mac asleep now?' He wondered. 'Did she regret what had happened?'

He made his way to his suitcase and put on a pair of boxers, before laying down and attempting to get some sleep. However, the thoughts that plagued him would not grant him that luxury. He tossed and turned for hours before sleep was allowed to claim him.

He had never even noticed the red blinking of the hotel phone on his night stand, alerting him that he had a message.


	18. Part 17

Lawandordersvu1: me too! Are you on twitter? There are a bunch of SVU fans on there that talk! E/O all the way and WHOA. DANI BECK UGH **shudders**. Hated that chick.

Lil-miss-dinozzo: hahahaha Harm Harm look at the light, you oaf. Haha ***facepalm FAIL Harm. FAIL. :]**

I was not planning on posting this huge chapter now…but I will for you two :]

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Hilton  
Harm's Hotel Room

Harm woke at about four in the morning, laying there fitfully and unsuccessfully trying to find rest once again.

He finally gave up, throwing the covers off of his boxer clad body and swinging his legs around until his feet hit the floor by the nightstand. 'How long had that been there?' He wondered as he spotted the blink of the red on the hotel phone. Only a few people knew where he was staying: Mac... and Kim. That was it. 'Wait…had he told the blonde in the bar last night? Had she dropped him off here or had he taken a cab?' He hated that he couldn't remember.

With a deep breath, he pushed the button to listen to the message, all the while knowing whose voice it was that he hoped to hear. Mac's shaky voice filled the silence. He sat closer on the edge of the bed in suspense at hearing her voice. "Harm…it's me, Mac. I'm at the front desk. They won't give out your room number…Hell, I had to twist their arm for them to even dial you up. " She chuckled nervously. "I …I don't know why I'm here…" Mac turned her back on the front desk, careful not to drag the phone cradle down as she did so, continuing in a quiet voice so as to retain some level of privacy. "Harm, where are you? Please pick up….ok, I guess you aren't there…I'm going to go now… but, Harm?" She paused and then continued softly. "_Don't go back just yet_. "

Harm cursed himself. Why had she come there last night? What had she wanted? He didn't want to waste time finding out. He slipped out of bed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and a shirt, called a cab and finished getting ready. He was going to go over there.

-------------------------  
Mac's Apartment  
San Diego

Mac was woken up to the sound of Harm's voice on the other side of her door. She froze. Was she imagining things? She then heard the unmistakable sound of a knock at her door…and then his voice filled the silence once more.

"Mac…it's Harm. Open up."

She got up from bed quickly, grabbing her silk robe to wrap around her body, as she made her way to the door.

She opened it quickly. "It couldn't wait?" she asked sleepily.

"I just got your message." He walked past her into her apartment, not waiting for an invitation.

She followed him with her gaze, shutting and locking the door behind him. "I left you that message almost six hours ago, Harm."

"I'm sorry."

"Where were you?"

"At a bar around the corner." He sighed, still pissed as hell at having missed her.

"Have fun?" She rubbed a hand over her face, allowing a bit of bitterness to creep into her tone.

"I am sorry, Mac. I wish I had been there. I just needed to clear my head, and sitting around my hotel thinking about you just made things worse."

"Hmm." Mac managed, her arms folded tightly across her chest.

"Who was it that I talked to on the phone?" Her next question caught him off guard.

"What?" He questioned her.

"I tried to call your cell after I left you the message…some girl answered, said you had gone to use the restroom and had left your coat and phone at the bar."

"She never told me anyone had called. She was just some girl I met there…She was sweet enough to listen to me ramble on about you somewhat incoherently for well over an hour...I think she called a cab for me."

"You didn't go home with her?"

"Mac, what the hell?"

Mac's shoulders slumped. "That was out of line. I'm sorry….You…you just make me crazy sometimes."

She walked past him to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Harm followed her, catching up to her as she was reaching up to get a glass. He invaded her space, his arms enveloping her waist and pulling her slightly back against him as she shuddered. His lips came to rest near her ear. "_You_ make me crazy sometimes too." He whispered, before kissing down the curve of her neck as her head fell slightly to the right.

Mac spun in his arms, pressing her back against the kitchen counter, needing some more inches to separate them. "Harm." She searched his face.

"Harm." She tried again. "When are you leaving for DC?"

"Whenever you want me to leave." His gaze held hers.

She sighed. "See, that is where we have a problem." She pushed against his chest, wanting to distance herself from him and using the slack he gave her to walk around him to the sink, glass in hand.

"Problem?" He asked her. His back still turned.

She was quiet, her arms bracing her against the counter. She didn't want him to leave…but she couldn't want him to stay. 'Option A' had to win.

"Harm, I want you to leave." She said quietly.

"Come on Mac, we both know that is complete and utter bull shit."

"Harm…"

"No, Mac. I know what you are doing. You are trying to do the "honorable thing" by making me feel as though you want me to go back to DC and play husband and father to Kim and that baby and that's not your call."

"You wouldn't be the man I loved if you didn't want to be that for her and that baby, Harm. _You wouldn't_." Her voice cracked with emotion.

"What did you want to tell me last night?" He finally spoke softly into the darkness of her kitchen.

"Don't change the subject."

"Mac…why did you come to see me?" He pressed.

She set the glass on the counter top, turning to lean against it and face him across the kitchen.  
She met his gaze and quickly looked away and down at some unknown spot on the floor.

"Like I said in the message…" She started, her voice strained. "I _don't know_ why."

"There was a **reason**, Mac."

"Not one that makes sense." She finally confessed, so softly he almost couldn't hear her.

"Damn it Mac, why does it have to? Just open up to me…tell me what you were feeling…what led you to come to the hotel?"

"It wasn't rational." She said softly. "I know that…I just. I was afraid that you were going to leave…and after what happened between us the other night especially, I just wanted…" She struggled with the words. She was petrified of verbalizing this to him for fear that it made her look less…too vulnerable.

Harm crossed his arms over his chest, his head cocking to the side as he listened intently. "Wanted what?"

Her voice shook and she exhaled slowly. " I had this overwhelming need to be with you. I wanted to...to find your hotel room number and come crawl into bed with you. Just…just to sleep. " She ran a hand over her face. "I just wanted to feel you against me. To know and to be reassured that you were still _here_…and not back on a plane headed for DC…" Her vulnerable eyes met his with uncertainty.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." He spoke softly. "I truly am, Mac."

"It's…fine." She half-heartedly shrugged.

Harm shook his head. It wasn't.

"I don't want to go back…" He confessed into the silence.

"I don't want you too either…" she breathed. "…and that makes me a selfish bitch." She smiled painfully.

There was an extended pause, as both stood staring at the other intently

"Harm…you _have_ to go back."

"I know."

"Where does that…leave us?" She asked, her voice shaky at best. "And if you say at the end, I'll kill you."

"As long as you don't say back at the beginning…" he teared up despite his smile.

"No…" she looked down, tears filling her eyes. " I don't want to go back to the beginning. Too much history there... I like having that with you."

"Mac…" he whispered as he came to stand in front of her, his arms wrapping her in his embrace, and he hugged her. "I want more than just a past with you. "

"I want that to." She breathed emotionally, clutching him tightly.

"But?"

"Shhh…_no_. Let's not talk anymore, please?" She pleaded to him, still holding on to him so tightly her knuckles were white."I just want to make the most of this time with you."

Harm looked past her shoulder, noticing that it was just now barely five am. "Mac…"

She understood without needing the words as she took his hand and led him to the bedroom, slipping back under the covers and waiting for him to join her. He stripped down to just his jeans and peeled back the covers on his side, staring at her softly as he lay on his side and she spooned herself against him, pulling his arm over her hip to rest against her abdomen, and enjoying the closeness the position provided.

"Mac…" He murmured softly into her hair.

"Hmm?" she responded.

"I want you to come back with me."

TBC..Don't forget to review!


	19. Part 18

Mac's Apartment  
San Diego

He felt Mac stiffen a bit at his words. There was silence. Harm waited for her to say something.

"Come back with you?" She asked him softly, her tone more than a bit incredulous at his offer.

"Yes." He said simply, hugging her a bit tighter to him. His need to hold on to her suddenly becoming more vital than drawing his next breath.

She tried to move out from under the weight of his arm, but Harm wouldn't let go. "Harm…let me up." She said, making no attempt to hide her frustration.

"Why?" He responded. "Because you can ask me to go with a clearer conscience if you aren't lying in my arms at the time?"

"Go to hell."

Harm chuckled. "One minute you are asking me to touch you and the next you are expecting me to believe you don't even want me in the same room with you? That's rich, Mac."

She struggled under his arm a bit, trying to get up.

"It's one thing to be like this with you here...when I can at times pretend that she isn't at home waiting for you to go back to her. It's another to leave a place that I actually happen to like to go back for a man with a family that doesn't happen to include me."

"It doesn't have to be that way, Mac."

"No? What then?! You set an extra place for me at the table? Kim and I get to be great friends and I babysit when you guys need a night out? Perhaps you can secure a guest bedroom for me as well."

Harm released her from his grasp. He had heard enough. She was up out of bed in an instant, wrapping her arms around herself and unable to keep herself from shaking.

Harm sat up, swinging his legs over the side and resting his elbows on his knees. His back was now to her.

"What do you want from me? Do you honestly believe I love her?"

"I don't know what to believe, Harm. She is the woman carrying your child. Do you honestly believe you don't?"

"Mac, we don't even sleep in the same room."

"Hmm." She hugged herself, tighter. Her lips set in a firm line.

"She has tried to pursue things between us...I have made it clear to her that that is not what I want. A few weeks ago she had been in pain. I guess the baby had been particularly active that day...she wanted me to sleep with her. She was needy and I felt guilty. I was alone and withdrawn...attempting to come to grips with the idea that I may never see you or speak to you again."

"So you did?"

"Yes."

Mac felt her head drop at his words. "I'm not sure why that hurts so much to know."

"I'm not proud of it... However, it reaffirmed the fact that there was nothing between us. My love for her exists only in that she is carrying our child. I just kept thinking of you..."

"Don't." Mac teared up. "I don't want to know that."

"We talked about it...she thanked me for being there for her and apologized for putting me in that position. I told her it was a mistake...that I didn't care for her in that way. I told her I was in love with someone else."

-------------------------------------------------  
Kim's Residence  
DC

Harriet felt a bit out of place as she parked in the driveway at Kim's house. She had promised Harm that she would check in with her and had prepared a casserole as a sort of icebreaker.

She had thought it quite odd that there was a red ford truck parked there as well in addition to the Lexus Harriet knew to be hers from her many visits to JAG HQ.

Harriet went around to the backseat and got the casserole, carefully carrying it up the walkway and to the door. She knocked. No answer.

The casserole was starting to become quite heavy. She knocked again, this time with a little more insistence.

No answer.

Harriet noticed that the door was slightly ajar. She let herself in, feeling a bit wrong but needing to set the casserole down and beginning to be concerned as to why she had not answered.

It was then that she heard the voices.

"I can't believe this Kim! I want a paternity test! There is no way in hell that you can be sure this isn't my baby. No way in hell."

"Calm down, Jason. I told you. It's not yours."

"I can't believe I had to find out from my sister that you were pregnant. If she hadn't have seen you out the other day I might have never known...how could you keep this from me, Kim?"

"There was no need for you to know."

"When was the baby conceived? Because we slept together the night you left me and that wasn't so long ago!"

"Jason, get out! You better be glad the baby's father isn't here right now."

"I want to meet him! We need to talk. I love you, damnit. You know what? I think you aren't sure. You want it to be this guy's --whoever he is, because I hurt you. You aren't sure it's his."

Harriet stood frozen in the doorway. Her eyes wide with shock at the information as she quietly stepped back out onto the porch, turned and walked back to the car.

She needed to process this.

TBC.........


	20. Part 19

A/N: Lil-Miss-DiNozzo78: ha! Thanks for the review as always!

Anothershipper: I love your review so much. Don't worry I love the angst too and I am certainly not going to file things away neatly for them to be together. They need to work it out, struggles and all. :] Thanks for the encouragement to continue that way because a lot of people just want the baby not to be Harm's SO that mac and harm can be together after the news is revealed.

Kelsey2010: Thanks so much! Glad I was able to make your morning happy! Lol and yes, she does have what every woman wants haha. Thanks for your review!! Love it!

Review From chap 18:

now see Harm if you weren't drowning your problems at a bar you coulda had what you wanted last night!

^hahaha this made me LOL. Thanks!

Alix33: haha. Yeah, me too. :] Love your reviews.

And because I am in love with your review from chapter 18, LOL

'How long had that been there?' He wondered as he spotted the blink of the red on the hotel phone." - LONG, hon. Mac will be able to tell you to the second, probably the millisecond even, how long, though. I do not have those skills.

"Who was it that I talked to on the phone?" Her next question caught him off guard. "What?" He questioned her. "I tried to call your cell after I left you the message…some girl answered, said you had gone to use the restroom and had left your coat and phone at the bar." "She never told me anyone had called. She was just some girl I met there…She was sweet enough to listen to me ramble on about you somewhat incoherently for well over an hour...I think she called a cab for me." - THAT is SO funny and SO Harm.  
"I want you to come back with me." - THAT will be a train smash, plane smash, and altogether potentially catastrophic, IMO.

Hahaha so I loved your whole review and yes train smash plane smash and catastrophic for sure. :] Love when people pick out parts they liked!

Lawandordersvu1: More on the way :] thanks!

Kiely: Thank you so much! Hope I continue to do so!

From chap. 18:

oh wow... ok I am torn, I want her to go back, but it's also not fair to Mac to watch someone else have the baby she wants to give Harm.

^so true. :] I agree.

KDW: aww, love Harriet. Thanks for the review!

AND NOW FOR THE STORY!

Mac's Apartment

San Diego

Mac came over to sit beside him on the edge of the bed. She rubbed her hands together, as she cautiously glanced over at him out of the corner of her eye.

"Harm." Her gaze found the floor. "I need you to know that I'm not sure we can get past this. It's important that you know that."

Harm started to speak, but she continued on before he could. "I am not saying it's right...or that I can blame you...but it is what it is." She took a deep breath.

"Why can't we get past it, Mac?"

Mac's hair fell across her shoulder as she turned her head to look at him. Her eyes searched his in the silence, as she struggled for the words she needed.

A car alarm sounded somewhere in the distance on the street below. The darkness threw shadows across the wall of the bedroom.

Harm took a deep breath. "Talk to me." He breathed softly.

Mac bit her lip nervously, before speaking.

"Ultrasounds, birthing classes, baby's first smile, baby's first step...all those "first" moments…they will be with her. Harm, I wanted them to be with me. Our baby. Our life. Our moments."

She smiled sadly. "...and maybe that's stupid of me...because we hadn't exactly made plans to be together at all let alone in that capacity. But, the image was always there...in the back of my mind. We would be a family."

Harm reached for her right hand, carefully grasping it in his and giving it a reassuring squeeze. He shook his head gently. "It wasn't stupid, Mac."

"Then why do I feel so foolish?"

"Hey." Harm replied. "If anyone should feel foolish it's me. I did this Mac. It was a moment of weakness. I regret it. I..." He faltered. " wanted those moments to be with you too."

She covered the hand that was holding hers already with her available hand, giving his a gentle squeeze.

He turned his body towards her, removing his hand from her grasp and bringing it to her hair as he brushed it gently behind her ear, before tracing her cheek with his touch. He ran a thumb lightly over her lips. Mac closed her eyes at the sensation. Before she knew what was happening, he had replaced the thumb with his mouth, kissing her soft and slow. They were both tentative and it wasn't until a few moments later that Harm nudged her lips apart gently and deepened the contact. A soft moan was her only reply. She explored his mouth as well, the kiss slow and sensuous. Harm ached with the need to make love to her. But, he had over the years become quite used to folding those feelings away and sticking them in a drawer to be picked up at a later time. When the time was right…the time had almost been right when she had found her way onto his lap the night before. _Almost._ But, they had some stuff to figure out first.

Harm pulled away slightly, his hand in her hair and resting at the back of her neck.

"I love you, Mac."

She exhaled. "and I love you…but maybe it's not enough."

"Don't talk like that, Mac."

"How should I be talking, Harm? What did we think would happen? That the moment we decided to be together everything would magically work itself out? Communicating with you like this…telling you things…you opening up to me. This is new. This is all new. I am unsure how to play this, Harm. I don't want to lose what we have…and isn't that worth fighting for? Our friendship means a lot to me Harm. More than any relationship I've ever had with a man or…or anyone. Why can't that be enough?"

"Mac…we passed the friendship exit many many years ago." He smiled coyly at her. "And, if not before, I'm pretty sure it happened right around the time you straddled me and –"

She smiled at that, blushing as she smacked him in the chest to stop him from continuing, the action making her suddenly aware of the bare chest under her hand.

"We can't go back…our friendship is what makes our relationship great. Sure, I may not do or say the right thing all the time, but I can make you happy Mac. Just let me. You are making this more complicated than it has to be."

"You make complicated things too simple." Mac teased sadly, throwing his words from that fateful night on the Admiral's porch back in his face.

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Roberts' Residence  
Virginia

Harriet was rigorously scrubbing away at some imaginary grimy spot on the kitchen counter when Bud found her. In the years since he had known his wife, he had acquired certain knowledge. He knew how to read her. In the early years of their marriage he might have been foolish enough to believe she really was trying to remove some sort of stain or grime from the kitchen counter. Several years and several children later, Bud knew better.

He approached her apprehensively. After all, her behavior could have possibly resulted from something he did or didn't do—best to tread lightly.

"Hey honey…" He smiled warmly. "Rough day?"

"Yeah, sure…" Harriet replied distractedly as she continued to scrub vigorously at the counter.

"Honey?" he attempted to get her attention.

"Hmm?" She slowed her pace a bit.

"Is something wrong?"

She frowned. "I don't know, Bud. I…I learned something today that may be important…or may not be..."

"Honey, calm down. What's going on?"

Harriet continued to scrub, casting him a glance before continuing on in a ramble.

"Well, Bud…what if you learned something that could be huge and change things or….possibly not change anything and just upset things worse than they already are and then you've shared something that you shouldn't have known in the first place and is really none of your business only to make things worse but if you don't tell then this important information that needs to be delved into is just left hidden and could possibly change the lives of people you care about and you just aren't sure what risk is worth taking and what to do and what will happen or if—"

Harriet looked up to see Bud's very confused expression.

"Oh never mind, Bud." She said sighing agitatedly, throwing her sponge in the sink and turning and walking out of the room.

TBC……..Please Review!


	21. Part 20

A/N: Thank you for your reviews!!! This chapter is MA.

Lil-Miss-DiNozzo: hahahahaha he rode coach for you! LOL you crack me up loved your review!

Kelsey2010: Yes, they are so pigheaded. LOL TINER hahaha that really cracked me up! Thanks as always for reading and reviewing!

Tamk3: SO TRUE! Lol Thanks!

Lawandordersvu1:this one is a bit longer for ya :]

Windyg68: Keep reviewing and I'll keep writing! Thanks for the comment! More on the way!

KC Smith: Welcome aboard lol so glad you are caught up! Hope you continue to read and enjoy!

Karizmadreamer: so true lol! Thanks for the review!

NOW FOR THE STORY. Desperately need feedback on this one lol so don't hold back :]

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"We don't know how to be anything but complicated, Marine." Harm teased softly.

Mac folded her arms across her chest, sighing at the simple truth of that statement.

"What now?" She whispered cautiously.

Harm regarded her out of the corner of his eye before speaking. "I have a flight back to DC today."

Mac made no visible sign of a reaction.

"As much as I want to stay, you are right…I have to go back. I need to be there for her."

Mac nodded, lips set in a firm line. "Yeah, you do."

"You make me happy, Mac. When I'm with you…these past few days…even when you've been mad at me." He smiled slightly. "It's still been the happiest I can remember being in a long time….these months gone by since you've left have been the worst of my life, Mac."

Mac ran a hand through her hair before wrapping her arms around herself once more.

"I don't know if I can be who you need, Harm. My career is important to me, my life here is good...You have to be near Kim and the baby…and I'm not ready to change my plans around to suit you and your family."

"I don't expect you to."

"Then what are you doing here?" Mac stood up and put some distance between them. Suddenly angry, and powerless to stop herself. "You thought you'd come show me what being with you would feel like if I'd only just move back with you? "

She paused and sighed wearily. "Damn it, Harm…. You don't think I want us?"

"I came here to see my best friend…tell her what she means to me and how sorry I am that I hurt her." Harm met her eye, his voice low and soft. "I missed you. _God, I still miss you."  
_  
Mac's resolve crumbled a bit.

"I do want this, Harm." She bit her bottom lip nervously, eyeing him. "_I want you._" She breathed vulnerably into the darkness.

In an instant, he was on her, backing her up against the far wall of her bedroom.

His lips found hers a moment later and she moaned as she wrapped her arms around him, trying to bring his body impossibly close to hers.

The kiss grew in intensity, both trying to convey through their actions what words had failed to say for them.

She moaned when he brushed intimately against her.

He groaned from deep in his throat as he pushed a leg in between hers, pushing against her.

Mac gasped with the sensation of his jean-clad leg against her center. She began to move slightly back and forth, needing the friction.

"_Jesus, Mac_." He was losing control and fast.

Mac continued to grind against him, their lips coming together in a passionate and hurried embrace.

"_Harm_…" Mac breathed, her voice a bit hoarse. "If you want me to stop you need to tell me now."

Harm groaned as she sped up a bit, wrapping his arm around her waist to allow her some leverage, undoing the silk tie of her robe and finding a thin tank top and shorts underneath. He lifted her top a bit, his hand tracing lightly across the bare patch of skin above her shorts. Reverently, he moved over her skin. _This was Mac_. He had never been allowed to touch her like this and he wanted to take his time. After a decade of sexual tension, he wanted their first time to be special.

He wrapped his other arm around her waist, lifting her up and shifting his knee back and away from her.

Mac groaned in protest at the loss of contact, she had been so close. Harm's hand came up to rest against her cheek, his gaze boring into her.

Both were still panting slightly and Harm finally found the strength to speak.

"Mac, I want this. _God I want this_. I also want this to mean something. This is big. This is _you_. I want to take this slow. _I want to show you_…" He fumbled for the words and Mac stopped his words with a kiss to his lips, her hands making her way under his shirt and against his bare chest.

Harm moaned, lifting her up against him, her legs wrapping around his waist.

"Mac, are you sure?" he managed.

Mac nodded, kissing her way up his jaw line before finding her way to his ear. "Is this really happening?" she whispered softly, her breath dancing against his skin.

Harm turned around, holding her against him and carried her back over to her bed, laying her back on it gently.

Mac's breath came out in uneven spurts, her heart was pounding and she was nervous, elated, and frightened all at once.

Harm looked down at her, noting the expression on her face.

"You okay?" He breathed.

Mac blushed. "Yeah… nervous."

Harm smiled. "It's okay Mac, it's you and me." He eased onto the bed, as she sat up on her elbows and met his eye.

"What if…what if it's not what we've imagined?" She whispered, a bit vulnerable under his gaze.

"That's not possible." Harm reassured, laying on his side beside her and running his hand lightly up and down her right arm.

She leaned over to meet his lips with hers, bringing her hand up to caress the side of his face softly.

The kiss intensified and Mac pulled Harm over on top of her, his knees coming to rest on the mattress on either side of her. He kissed his way along her jaw and down to her neck, eliciting a moan from Mac.

He separated the sides of her silk robe, letting his hands trail further down, his gaze flitting up to hers as is asking for permission.

Mac smiled softly at his need to be the constant gentleman. …even when he was lying on top of her in her bed.

She nodded slightly and gasped as his hand lightly trailed across the top of her breasts, right above where the tank tops neckline began. He replaced his hand with his mouth and Mac was unable to stop the moan from escaping her lips.

She felt his hands at her waist; her tank top being pushed up, as he kissed each expanse of skin that he uncovered and she leaned up so he could take it completely off, revealing her light pink bra.

She reached for the hem of his shirt, desperately trying to get it up and off when she felt his hands on hers. He gently pushed her to lie back down. He struggled with his words. "Mac..." he started, his voice husky and low with desire. "I need to touch you first. Let me touch you…"

Mac felt desire flow through her, unable to stop her eyes from closing at the sensation.

"_Touch me."_ She whispered.

He reverently trailed a hand down her neck until he reached the curve of her breast, palming one and then the other through the thin fabric of her bra.

Mac arched into him, unable to stop the response. She sat up slightly as he reached behind her and fumbled with the clasp, slowly taking the bra off of her. He touched her bare breasts now, cupping them in his hands and he was so hard already he didn't know how long he would last.

Mac moaned, her head rolling back as his mouth found the nipple of her right breast and then the left.

"Harm…"she breathed, a low moan coming from the back of her throat.

She needed him. _Now._

"Harm, please…" she panted.

He gently helped Mac out of her silk shorts, pulling them off of her slowly as he met her eye. He wanted to always remember this moment.

Harm ran a hand over her abdomen, stopping just above the top of her underwear, leaning into claim her lips, his tongue stroking hers as his hand came to rest on her center and he muffled her cry with his mouth.

He rubbed her through the fabric and let out a gruff moan. She was so wet.

Mac whimpered slightly, her hands clutching the sheets.

He helped her out of her underwear, throwing them somewhere on the floor of her bedroom and allowing himself to see all of her for the first time.

"You're beautiful." He whispered.

Mac blushed under his gaze, before sitting up slightly and claiming his lips with hers in a heated kiss, her hands helping him out of his shirt and running up and down his chest.

She wanted him inside her. She had waited for him to be inside her much too long_. And although he had yet to be physically, somehow she felt as if mentally maybe he always had been._

She kissed his neck slightly and then with a bit more insistence, laying back on the bed and bringing him with her, ready to accept any and all consequences of their actions later if it meant she got to feel him now.

She awoke softly, light peaking in through the blinds. She felt someone stir behind her and turned her head to see him lying there. He heart leapt at the realization and the memories came flooding back like an endless sea of waves.

He watched the recognition play on her features, smiling softly at the way her hair was splayed out across the pillow.

"Hey." He whispered softly.

"Hey." She blushed slightly, smiling back at him.

"Sleep well?" He teased. She smacked him lightly in the chest and he grabbed her hand and held it against him.

Her eyes searched his.

Several minutes passed and Mac wondered what lying in bed with him all day would be like. Tears welled up in her eyes and she hated herself for them.

She kept them at bay with increasing difficulty. Last night had been beautiful. Wonderful. And, now it was morning. All reality of circumstance seemed to rear its ugly head with the sun.

"When…" Her voice had shook too much for her liking so she stopped before starting again. "When does your plane leave?"

"A few hours." Harm caressed her hand, holding it against his chest.

Mac nodded, her eyes closing and a tear escaped to run down her cheek.

Harm was quick to catch it gently with his thumb.

"It's not fair."

"I know."

A long silence passed as they lay there, the simple presence of the other providing a comfort.

Finally, Harm spoke.

"I, uh, need to head to my hotel…get my bags and check out."

"I want to drive you."

"What?"

"To the airport. I want to drive you."

"Okay." Harm was not about to argue.

"I'll pick you up in an hour?" She asked softly.

Harm nodded, pulling the covers off of him slightly and pulling his boxers on.

She watched him and he turned and caught her gaze.

"Last night…Mac…it was…it meant… _everything _to me."

He leaned down and placed a loving kiss on her lips and she responded, resisting the urge to pull him back down on the bed with her and beg him not to go.

The ride to the airport had been mostly in silence.

Mac didn't trust herself to speak. She was trying to do the right thing…however hard it may be to do so.

Harm simply kept quiet because he suspected that was what Mac wanted.

They parked the car and made the walk to the airport doors, Mac insisting on carrying his carry-on bag while he carried his suitcase. As trivial as it sounds, she needed to hold on to something of him for a bit longer.

They got as far as they both could go together, and Harm needed to go through security. There wasn't much time.

Mac reluctantly handed over his bag. He took it from her and set it on the floor next to his suitcase, before facing her once more.

He opened his arms and she stepped into them, clutching the shirt at his back and burying her face in his neck.

She breathed against him, her voice strained with too many emotions. "Don't ask me to go." She pleaded.

"Then ask me to stay." He whispered softly.

Mac shook her head no against him, tears disappearing into the fabric of his polo shirt.

Finally, she pulled away.

He watched as she reached into the front pocket of her jeans, pulling out a folded slip of paper and holding it out for him to take.

He took it and eyed her quizzically.

"What is this?"

She brushed a tear away and forced herself to give him a sad smile.

"My phone number."

He clasped it in his hand, before pulling her back into a hug, his hand finding a home in her hair at the back of her head.

"_Thank you_" He whispered.


	22. Part 21

A/N: I apologize for the delay but my internet has been down (and still is) so I'm currently posting this from Campus. Joy. Lol.

Tamk3: Aww thanks! It was my first time trying to write "the scene" Lol. So good to know it was hot. :] and yes, very sad at the end 

Lil-Miss-DiNozzo: Flaunt your hotness hahahaha. Thanks for your review love! You always make me laugh.

Achaon: Thanks?

Kelsey2010: ahahahahahah hit the sheets lol yeah only took them a decade and 21 chapters but they eventually did. :] so glad you're addicted. I love your reviews!

Karizmadreamer: That is the best compliment ever! Because I wanted to cry writing it and hoped the emotion would translate :] "Sweet and poignant" – yay :]

Hbabe702: Thank you SO much! I am the same way with long fics but here I am writing one. Ahhh what's happened to me? Lol I'm glad you love my style of writing. I hope you continue to enjoy!

Lawandordersvu1: I do my best. School, midterms, full-time job here. Gotta work with what I got. Lol.

Kiely: Thanks so much! Love that you got the symbolism behind the gesture. Was worried about people being like WTH why? Lol. And hahahaha "that's not possible" hehehehe love it!!! Your review is so perfect haha.

Shella-belle: Thanks for the review! I feel sad for them too..don't worry things will get better...eventually. lol. Gotta love the angst.

Windyg68: Thanks for the review! Hahah yes yes it could. The century...history of mankind..etc etc haha

Suzywallis: Thank you so much! I hope you continue to enjoy. It's my first time taking on a story like this so I appreciate the feedback :]

On to the story!

Mac had debated back and forth about the gesture, feeling a bit twelve years old again handing a boy her phone number. In the end, she decided she didn't much care how it happened just as long as he had a way to reach her…just as long as this wasn't a _real _goodbye.

She clutched at him somewhat helplessly, willing herself to be the first to step out of the embrace.  
Her gaze fell to the carpet as she took a step back, her hand coming up to brush a lock of hair behind her ear before looking up at him. Her eyes brimmed with tears and she was shocked to find his a bit more watery than usual as well.

He lifted his suitcase in his left hand, bending to pick up his carry-on bag with his right, before sending her a half-hearted smile of reassurance. Mac wanted to tell him he didn't have to pretend things were going to be okay…that sometimes things aren't okay and that is fine. A part of her however, a small part, had to believe otherwise so she could continue to breathe evenly.

She crossed her arms around her body, sending him a small tilt of her lips that could be described as a smile; if you were grading on a curve. He started to walk away from her and her heart hammered in her chest as the reality sank in. She bit back the urge to stop him. She wouldn't be that needy...that selfish. She couldn't be.

Mac watched as the patch of dark jean and polo disappeared around the far corner of the airport hallway. He was gone. She allowed her eyes to close a brief moment, foolishly standing there a few more minutes as if wishing alone would be enough to make him reappear.

Alas, she turned and walked back toward the doors and out to her car. _He was gone_.

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Harm made his way through the airport terminal, picking up his suitcase at the baggage claim and walking towards the place he knew she would be waiting.

He smiled at seeing her standing there, her back turned toward him, as she appeared to be scanning the crowd.

"Kim." He said finally.

She turned and a smile lit up her face.

"Harm!" She flung her arms around him and Harm was careful not to press against her too hard.  
"I'm so glad you are home, how was your trip?"

He pulled away from her gaze, touching her belly softly. "It was…eventful." He told her distractedly. "But…we can talk about that later."

"How have you and the baby been? Have you been taking it easy like I asked?"

"Yes, Harm. Yes." She laughed. "You worry too much. Come on, being with child I was able to get us front row parking."

"Ahh, the perks." He teased half-heartedly as he followed behind solemnly. His heart wasn't in this. He missed Mac.

The ride back to Kim's house was spent with Kim talking a mile a minute as Harm stared out the passenger side door in almost complete silence, save the intermittent syllable of acknowledgment.

They arrived home and Harm set about unpacking as Kim insisted on taking his dirty laundry and starting it in the washer immediately. He might have appreciated her willingness to help if he wasn't so busy wishing she'd give him a few moments peace. Maybe he could talk her into letting him go back to his place for awhile.

His thoughts went back to the night before. How it had felt. How _she _had felt. How he had never experienced anything like it.

They had fit perfectly together…and somehow Harm always knew they would. He remembered her little gasps and moans; she had been so responsive to his touch. The look on her face when she—

"Harm!" Kim shouted from the laundry room.  
Harm jumped a bit as he was shaken from his thoughts.

"What?" he responded as he walked to the laundry room, carrying the last of his dirty clothes to put them in the wash with the others.

"You getting ready to get in the shower?"

"Yeah, I need to freshen up. Get this airport grime off of me."

"Okay, go ahead and leave what you have on outside the door and I'll start it with this load."

"Okay." Harm replied absent-mindedly, stripping and giving her his shirt before going back into the bedroom and removing the rest of his clothes away from her gaze. He left them folded on the bed before crossing the room to the shower, and closing the door behind him.

Kim heard the shower running and came into the bedroom to get his clothes before taking them back to the laundry room. He was acting a bit uneasy around her and she wondered at what could be the cause.

She was reaching into the left and then right pocket of his jeans, checking for any loose change or small item that could damage the washing machine when her hand touched a small piece of paper in the right pocket. She pulled it out slowly, inspecting it before opening the folded slip. It was a phone number. She didn't recognize the area code.

------------------------

Harriet walked into JAG HQ that morning to find Commander Rabb already in his office, which aside from being highly unusual, she wasn't sure whether or not to take as a good sign.

He had spent a weekend there. Harriet's mind reeled with the possibilities. Had it been a disaster? Had he said the right thing? Done the right thing? Had Mac listened? Had they fought? Was anything resolved? She was working herself up into a panic.

Just when Harriet started to feel the makings of a headache, she caught Harm's eye and he motioned for her to come and see him.

"Yes?" She had peeked her head in.

"Harriet, you've been standing in the bullpen staring this way for almost five minutes," Harm smiled slightly. "Come in and close the door behind you."

"I'm, uh, sorry Sir. I didn't realize I had been standing there that long." Harriet sent him a sheepish look before crossing his office and taking a seat in front of his desk.

She clasped her hands in her lap, looking at him as if trying to gauge his demeanour.

"Harriet, you could always just **ask me** how it went." Harm chuckled softly at her behaviour, before his gaze fell to his desk.

"You...want to talk about it?" Harriet asked softly.

"No." Harm smiled sadly, "but I'm guessing I won't have any peace until I do."

Harriet let out a tired sigh, her gaze going to his bookcase on her right. "Why… isn't she here?"

" A lot of reasons, Harriet." Harm stated softly. Evenly.

He paused, before continuing on. "For one, she is assigned to be there."

Harriet let out a breath. "Which could be changed…"

"Alright…. Kim. That's a big one." Harm ran a hand over his face.

He looked down before meeting her gaze. "Deep down I think Mac has some delusion that if she takes herself out of the equation… Kim, I and the baby will be some happy family."

"Did you tell her how you felt?"

"In so many words…yes."

Harriet let out a sigh of complete exasperation.

"You wanted to say something?" He questioned sarcastically.

She gave him a look.

"Harriet…we uh… this was …good… for us. Thank you."

"She doesn't want to kill me?" Harriet smiled a bit.

"Not yet." He chuckled despite himself.

Harriet stood to leave, crossing the room to his door before he spoke again.

"Harriet…"

She turned to face him, her hand on the knob, a wary expression marring her features. "Yeah?"

"She knows I love her."

Harriet nodded slowly. "Good."

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Kim had been pondering the slip of paper throughout the day, despite her attempts to leave it well alone. She didn't want to pry into Harm's business but at the same time her curiosity had led her to investigate a bit.

She had looked up the area code in a Google search the night before as Harm made dinner. California. It made sense with his recent trip there, and could be any number of people, but somehow Kim felt as if it was more important than that. Why wouldn't he have just programmed the number into his cell phone?

The sprawling handwriting written on the simple white slip had piqued her interest. Surely there was no harm in calling the number just to see, she reassured herself. Finally, feeling fully justified and with a sideways glance about her to be sure she was alone, she reached for the phone and dialed.

------------------------------------------------

Mac arrived home from work, shutting the door behind her and immediately stepping out of her heels. She crossed the room to the kitchen to get a bottled water, twisting the cap off and having a sip when she heard her phone go off from the purse she had discarded in the entryway.

She set the water down on the counter, crossing the room to rummage through her purse before coming up with the ringing phone grasped firmly in her hand. She glanced at the caller ID. It wasn't a number she recognized…but the area code was alarmingly familiar. Washington.

Mac had a debate within herself before flipping the phone open and pressing it to her ear.

"Hello?"

There was a pause.

"Hello?" Mac repeated once more.

"Hi. I found this number in the uh, pocket of my boyfriend's jeans…do you know anything about that?" A woman's voice filled the line.

"Excuse me?" Mac pressed a hand to the opposite ear, wanting to make sure she had heard her clearly.

"His name is Harm. Hard name to forget…did you guys meet when he was on business in California last week?"

Mac felt her skin crawl. _Oh God._

"Um…I…I think you have the wrong number." Mac managed, finding it hard to breathe under the weight of it all.

"So you say." There was another pause. "…just stay away from him, alright? And if it makes a difference to you, I'm pregnant with his kid…"

Unable to form words or possess any knowledge of what to say should the ability return to her, Mac snapped the phone shut and dropped it on the floor below her as if it had burned her hands.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

_---------------------------------------_

_TBC...._


End file.
